Killing Batteries

I’m off to Romania tomorrow for four weeks and two days of beautiful, summertime, LP research. That’s right, seven days a week, 14 hours a day of pure driving adrenalin, no meaningful conversations and going to bed at 9:45pm. Dude, I am going to have so much… ibuprofen.

I know what you’re thinking, wasn’t I just in Romania? Like not even a year ago? And you’d be correct. I was in Romania for six cumulative weeks a year ago. (Also a week in Moldova) So, why am I going again so soon? Welcome to the wild, wacky, wobbly world of wguidebook writing!

Allow me to explain: I write about Romania for three different Lonely Planet guidebooks, Europe on a Shoestring, Eastern Europe and Romania (formerly Romania & Moldova). The first two books are updated every two years. The last, every three years. In 2006, I updated all three book at once. In 2008, I updated EOAS and EEU. Now it’s time to update Romania. See? Makes perfect sense, if you don’t count all the extra flying around and repeat fact-checking after such short intervals. Actually, there’s genuine budget reasons for this staggered, seemingly inefficient process, but that doesn’t mean I can’t myopically ridicule the system for my own amusement. Plus, hey, paying work! Baby needs a new pair of crates of wine.

So, it begins again. As I’ve already exhaustively detailed in the past, guidebook work is not always very fun. Oh there’s fun, but it’s offset by long, pavement pounding days, restless nights in strange rooms with Olympic-level snorers, loneliness and, in the case of Romania, an almost sadistic number of hours of high-alert driving. That said, I’ve spent more time in Romania than any other foreign country. It’s like my second home. I’m comfortable there. And I just visited all the major cities for this trip a year ago, so the discovery process and updating will be greatly eased.

For this trip, I’ll be researching the regions of Moldavia and Transylvania. I’ve spent almost two cumulative years in Romania. All told, I lived in the Moldavian city of Iaşi for 16 months of that time, so this is by far the area I’m most familiar with. And Transylvania is, well, Transylvania. I’ve traveled the area pretty thoroughly for both work and play in the past, but never in the absurd detail that I’ll be doing now for LP. My colleague Mark Baker will be covering everything else, including Bucharest, so fire off a tweet to him if you have any good leads.

As always, I’m going to go even quieter on this blog than I already am while I’m on the road, though I will try to tweet almost every day. Unlike Tuscany, Romania is awash in free wi-fi hubs and armed with my trusty Blackberry, I should be in giddyingly constant electronic contact, like Buddha intended.

When exhaustion starts to set in right around the third week, you may not be able to glean this from my weepy tweets, but Romania is just outstanding in the summer. Unspoiled, gorgeous scenery, even more gorgeous people and (by and large) still pretty affordable. There’s the kamikaze driving, apathetic hotel clerks and maliciously unhelpful train station employees to contend with, but overall, it’s going to be a relatively easy (yet still draining) and glorious trip.

Thanks again for sticking with me and my long absences. See you down the Rabbit Hole.

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

There have been few moments in my life that I was more proud of myself than last week when I was denounced and attacked with unimaginative insults by Altermedia, Romania’s neo-Nazi online misinformation delivery vehicle. Having lost representation in Romania’s parliament due to their dwindling numbers (roughly 12), it seems the group has more time on their hands to identify and blame gypsies, Jews and insolent foreigners for the entirety of their failed, wretched lives.

The hilarious article is ironically entitled “When Freedom of Speech becomes dangerous!” (If, when you click this link you only see a message saying “Le Revedere”, try this link), a 5,744-word jabbering opus, written by the objective, ethical, and not at all sexually deprived Alexandra Zarnescu. Despite her conspicuous lack of research (a neo-Nazi specialty) and citing none of my offensive quotes, Alexandra nevertheless wrote this little nugget about me:

“It becomes utterly grave when hateful opinions of Romania coming from individuals who have the clear intent of manipulating the non-informed and of bending reality are publicly expressed without a shame, causing prejudice to our national dignity. Leif Pettersen is such a slimeball and a human piece of garbage who insults Romanian citizens in the well-known travel guide called Lonely Planet, in which he portrays himself (!) as the sole authority in the matter („the most complete online travel information source“), as well as on his personal blog, while roaring his inner rage motivated by his abused childhood and his abjections originating from his Freudian complexes and American ghetto upbringing. We are mocked by both means of propaganda simply because we are citizens of the “second poorest European country” (speaking of which, what country is nowadays the poorest in Europe: Moldavia, Ireland, Greece, Ukraine or Bulgaria?). And ironically, on June 1st 2008, this guy was praised on Antena 3 TV channel for the way he „advertises us“ in his guide!”

Oh man, that’s some sweet neo-Nazi hating discourse right there. Though, honestly, I’m a little hurt that some blogger chick named Shelly Roberts living in that hellhole Bucharest got way more slam-time than I did. I mean, she’s merely spreading alleged untruths on her cute blog, while I’m spewing it all over tens of thousands of travelers with my accursed guidebook and web site, which, during her 17 seconds of research, Alexandra has confused as one in the same – the same mistake made by the equally research-deficient Hotnews and Mediafax in May.

Where the hell are my props, Alexandra? If you’re going to lavishly defame me, the least you can do is give me three paragraphs! You didn’t even mention my facial tics or my addiction to donkey porn! I should sue your hack journalist ass for criminal under-representation!! Maybe next time you’ll give me my due credit if I use more typos and muse about the oxygen-starved womb where you incubated for 7 and 1/2 months before starting your bitter life of baffling hatred and tediously long, libelous essays.

As with my Tuscany lists, I’m doing a random (yet totally definitive and quote-worthy) best/worst overview of this summer’s research trips to Romania and Moldova.

One all-encompassing word of warning to start, do not travel here in July or August. Romania has already begun to mirror Western Europe in that heat/crowds/prices become insufferable in the high season. Leave travel for April/May or September/October when the tatty souvenir stands start drifting off, the busses disperse and the prices halve. Also, the debate on whether or not to splash out on a room with air-con will be moot.

Best/Worst of Romania and Moldova

•    Worst street signage: It’s a tie between Bucharest and Constanta. The lack of street signs and even door numbers in these cities will drive new arrivals into a singular rage, especially if those new arrivals are racing around town trying to find 25 addresses in a single day.

•    Least improved city: Sighisoara due to all the horrible, unsightly souvenir stands that they’ve let people set up inside the Citadel. Someone in their city government needs to be fired over that. And probably have their income audited while they’re at it. No one in their right mind would approve those pedestrian disrupting eyesores if kickbacks weren’t involved.

•    Best city for strolling: Brasov used to be my fav, but I’ve changed my tune and Sibiu is the winner. The newly restored historic center is just lovely with the added advantage of having scant screaming/honking cars.

•    Best tourist information office: Timişoara. The English-speaking staff here were so stunningly helpful and informed that I needed to be helped to a chair and fed a nitro pill. Iaşi’s new tourist information office is a very close second – they had less brochures, but more cleavage. For the love of Buddha, why can’t Bucharest do this? Get on the ball you lazy jackholes before I rewrite the book, saying Iaşi was re-named the capital!

•    Worst located tourism information office ever: The state of the art Piatra Craiului National Park Office in Zarneşti. Or more accurately outside Zarneşti. Like 2km outside Zarneşti, down a dirt road in the middle of an effing field. These people have mountains of excellent hiking information that no one will ever see. What a clusterf*ck.

•    City with worst accommodations value: Tie between Timişoara and Iaşi. These places either need more one and two star hotels built after the fall of communism or they need to open some hostels. Preferably both.

•    City with best accommodations value: Sibiu. Three brand new, fabulous hostels have opened here and they’re all well priced.

•    Best bookshop selling English language books: Anthony Frost English Language Bookshop in Bucharest.

•    Best museum (display presentation): Sibiu’s newly re-opened Museum of History, easily the most modern, professional and swanky museum in the country.

•    Best museum (fringe interest): Cluj’s Pharmaceutical Museum – for as long as the amiable Mr. Radu-Mihai is leading tours, for pure entertainment value, this is the best 5 lei you’ll spend in Romania.

•    Best museum (spunkiness): the Comrat Museum (Comrat, Gagauzia [Moldova]) – the lackluster collection of stuff seemingly rescued from townspeople’s attics is greatly enhanced by the staff who may only see one or two foreigners per year and want to make sure visitors see every piece of their beloved history. Be prepared for thickly accented lectures in Romanian the entire time.

•    Best hostel: the brand new, funky, comfortable and central Flying Time Hostel in Sibiu.

•    Best overall accommodations: for the rare display of swank and good value while having shown heroic restraint by not raising their prices in two years, the award easily goes to Hotel Atlantic in Oradea.

•    Most disappointing accommodations experience: Hellios Inn in Doi Mai (Black Sea Coast). A former ‘author’s choice’ selection (wondering if the author was drunk at the time of visit), I spent a very regrettable night here. The staff were rude when they weren’t totally ignoring me, the beds were awful, something leaked in the bathroom all night and, I was belatedly informed, there was no breakfast included. On an entirely separate note, Doi Mai’s beach, overlooking a shipping yard, is the coast’s worst.

•    Best beach: Vama Veche

•    Most gratuitous, death-defying, habitual display of cleavage in the tourism industry: the clerk at Burg Hostel in Sighisoara. She was the talk of men (and women) on the backpacker trail. It was impossible not to stare at this Elvira Mistress of the Night enthusiast. And you just knew if you looked long enough one of them was going to eventually bounce out. Too bad she was such a sourpuss otherwise.

•    Best restaurant: yet again it’s Bella Musica in Braşov. They keep raising their prices, but I still love them for serving mouth watering ciorba (soup), excellently prepared beef, admirably authentic Mexican dishes and the best salsa I’ve had in Europe. Honorable mention goes to Beer House in Chişinau.

•    Biggest bang for your buck: Any of the Moldovan wine tours. Some of the best and least expensive wine tours in the world.

•    Least bang for your buck: the Black Sea Coast, particularly Mamaia, Mangalia and that over-touristed craphole Eforie Nord where crowds, bad food and ludicrously over-priced accommodations leave one in a perpetual, consternated, unsatisfied state. Everyone from the four-star hotels down to the ice cream vendors took the country’s new EU member status as a signal to double prices without the tedious annoyance of adding any value to their products/services. If this keeps up, bloody Tuscany will be a better travel value than Romania’s Black Coast by next summer.

•    Best drive: as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s hands down the drive between Gura Humorului all the way to Vadu Izei. God help you if you’re the driver though, all that up-down, twisting and turning - if take your eye off the road for a second you’ll pinwheel down the mountain into someone’s hay barn. Also, for pure mind-bending height and driving anxiety, you can’t not mention the Transfăgărăşan Road.

•    Worst drive due to…
o    Road conditions: the E68 in southern Transylvania where over-ambitious road construction has left a single lane for two-way traffic to take turns using every 500 meters or so. With the interminable stop and go conditions, it’s almost faster to walk the 143 kilometers from Sibiu to Braşov.
o    Bad drivers: the entire Black Sea Coast. You get it all here – the usual local drivers invoking the patented Romanian combination of bursting appendix urgency crossed with ringing cell phone distraction. Then you also have the vacationers who are often lost (due to the above mentioned poor signage) and driving like they have all week to get to where they’re going – because they do.

•    Best off-the-beaten-path experience: the villages in Maramureş. On a side note, the new daily super fast ferries out to the Danube Delta villages makes the trip out there much more accessible. The bad news is that it’s now a little too accessible. Four star villas are appearing and school groups are arriving. So much for that little bit of escapism.

What Happened

•    Number of days on the road: 49

•    Number of rest days in that time: 2.5

•    Distance driven: about 4,028 kilometers (2,502 miles)

•    Number of cities/towns/villages/destinations visited: 47

•    Number of times I was honked at for obeying the law: 57

•    Number of times I did laundry in 49 days: two

•    Number of rain days: 2.5

•    Number of times I parked ‘creatively’: 76

•    Number of parking tickets: zero

•    Number of teeth fixed: two

•    Total cost, including x-rays, to fix teeth: $91

•    Number of guidebooks that I autographed: six

•    Number of times I was told to “come back tomorrow” by lazy schmucks that didn’t feel like giving me the information that I needed: 6 (down from 126 when I did this in 2006)

•    Number of near-car accidents: 17 (down from 372 in 2006)

•    Number of actual car accidents: zero

•    Based on my Romanian language skills, number of times that people ever so briefly thought that I was Romanian: four

•    Number of times that I was lectured about the failings of the current Romania guidebook by normal people: three

•    Number of times that I was lectured about the failings of the current Romania guidebook by batshit crazy crackpots: one

•    Number of times that I was pleasantly surprised about how Romania has improved in so far as customer service and infrastructure in the past two years: 34

•    Number of times that I was shocked at how abysmally bad customer service and infrastructure in Romania still is: 12

•    Number of times I wished I had a decent hamburger and a cider and a mattress that wasn’t made out of old tank parts: four

Tomorrow I fly back to Romania for the second time in three months like a jet-setting badass to complete my LP guidebook research, wallow in the fame of being a travel writing all-star, beat off amorous groupies with my medical burro riding crop and sleep soundly every night with the knowledge that my life kicks so much ass that my government actually imposes extra taxes on me for it.

If only.

I’m not going to deny that there are days that I struggle into my home-office desk chair at the crack of noon, with a mug of chocolate-flavored coffee, no boss in sight, having not donned shoes or a shirt in over 24 hours, read my two pieces of daily fan mail (and delete my 37 pieces of hate mail) and finally get to the grave task of writing caustic remarks and cheap shots about Berlin, Jesus and the slightly dry steak I ate while in First Class during my last flight over the Pacific, but equally, this job has its moments of sobering wretchedness.

Since I’m comfortably at the experience and wisdom levels now that allow me to accurately see into the future (by the way, it’s Splitsville for Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman in 2009), I’ll give you a preview of subjects you’re like to read about in this blog - or more likely, on my Twitter page - over the next three weeks while I’m on the road in Romania:

•    The hair-melting heat wave that’s descending on southern Romania as I write this

•    People that work in Romanian tourism, that plainly loathe tourists

•    Why in Buddha’s name did I choose to research in July, knowing that every decent hotel would be booked for weeks?

•    How many Ibuprofen per day I’m taking to fight back the hip pain

•    How little clothing women bother with on the Black Sea coast

•    The ethical dilemma of being treated like a vagrant by people whose businesses I could make or break with one sentence in the book

•    Loud hostels/little sleep

•    Has anyone sent me a check recently?

•    I have exactly zero confirmed work for after September 1st – do I worry about finances or celebrate the long-overdue break?

•    I’d kill for a cheeseburger

And so goes the head-spinning highs and demoralizing lows in the life of a travel writer.

All possible adversity, pain and humiliation aside, this is actually shaping up to be the easiest bit of guidebook research of my short career. I’ve got three weeks to do about two weeks worth of work, almost everywhere I’m going is unspeakably awesome (e.g. Sibiu, Braşov, Danube Delta, Black Sea Coast), and if things go well I’ll spend the final two or three days sitting on a beach and practicing my Romanian with some of Europe’s most beautiful women.

Now I have to go pack my guidebook writer cape and tights (the lavender or the burgundy, I can never decide), review my Romanian curse words and lewd gestures for that first drive through Bucharest, shave my head for optimum speed-walking aerodynamics and eat one last cheeseburger to offset the 5-8 pounds that I’m about to lose.

Though my Romania research is only a little more than half completed (I return July 9th for three more weeks on the road), I’m long overdue for a positive post about this country just to pacify those of you that are undoubtedly wondering why I keep coming here.

Lists are nice. Let’s do that:

• The countryside: parts of this country are so unspeakably beautiful that your brain tries to reject it as a hallucination as a defense mechanism so you don’t go insane, like during hostile alien invasions. Driving through northwest Moldavia into Maramures (specifically between Gura Humorului all the way to Vadu Izei) I wanted to stop the car every 30 seconds to take pictures. As it was, I only stopped once. The instant I fished out my camera clouds descended, but I took the picture anyway.
• On that note, the villages in Maramures are just so infectiously quaint and peaceful that you have to wonder if there might be a Valium factory nearby, pumping 50 tones of byproduct into the air every day. If they had reliable internet, I’d probably never leave.
• Wine: so good and cheap that I’m surprised the EU hasn’t outlawed it. You can get a perfectly good bottle for about 3 euros (about US$4.50) - and it gets even better in Moldova.
• I never get tired of simply strolling around cities like Sighişoara, Braşov and Oradea. They’ve got this living museum effect, like Venice without the flooding.
• I would almost live in this Podunk village just for the name alone. (NSFW)
• Ţuică: Dangerously lethal plumb brandy moonshine, but if you get the good stuff from Maramures, don’t ask me why, hangovers are surprisingly mild.
• The women: you’re all so heart-breakingly, bug-eyed, lip smacking beautiful. Every time I leave the country I want to pop out my eyes and put them in a jar, so if some accident should befall me before I return, the last thing I ever see will be your faces (and stuff).
• Parking: with the possible exception of Italy, Romania has the most lenient parking restrictions I’ve ever seen. Though I’m sure the law books say otherwise, in reality the only restrictions are that you’re car must be at least 3/4 of the way into the space and you must move your car before 8am on July 12th, 2017.
• With very rare exception, the hostels here are great and getting better. They should send every HI hostel owner in France, Italy and Spain to Romania to teach them a desperately needed lesson.
• Oh no she di’in’t! (NSFW again)

That’s all for now. Part 2 in July will take me to the clothing optional utopia that is the Black Sea Coast. A hail of purely accidental Not Safe For Work images are sure to ensue.

Bucharest was pretty dreadful, but I’ve had worse. Naples comes to mind - and that hellhole Andorra la Vella. Or that time in Los Angeles, when I drove from UCLA to Orange County… Nevertheless, I won’t be buying property in Bucharest soon or even investing in a 10-ride metro card. In many ways Bucharest is like a port town, but without the port. People arrive by plane and train, then promptly flee for more agreeable destinations.

I’ll grudgingly admit that there are worthwhile things to see here, but having visited every notable patch of grass in Romania, I can say with complete authority that anything and everything in Bucharest exists in much better form and surroundings at several other places in the country. If you’ve only got four days, fine, stay in Bucharest, if not, you’re doing yourself a disservice by lingering here.

Though not nearly as demoralizing as driving in Bucharest - which has unbelievably gotten worse in the past three years - five days on foot in Bucharest could break the patience and love of Gandhi himself. Hell, just sitting on a street corner can drain the hardest man’s will to live. The incessant car horns, the dense pollution, people screaming at each other, half-dead dogs and filth… Vlad Tepeş wouldn’t last 10 seconds in modern Bucharest. The first time someone drove by with a cigarette in one hand and a mobile phone in the other, splashing him with a totally avoidable puddle, he’d completely lose his shit. If only skewering wrongdoers from asshole to neck was still legal, people would probably have better manners around here. (more…)

Actually, I don’t really have anything else to say to you guys. I board a flight in just over 24 hours and as soon as I touch the ground in Bucharest, I’ll be a blur of over-Red Bulled, under-rested, stress-addled, bilingual jabbering motion for the next four weeks. I could promise to submit trip reports here at least once a week, but I really have no idea if that’ll be possible. On the surface, this research trip appears to be a cakewalk, but this is a Romania and Lonely Planet perfect storm we’re talking about here. Two entities that on their own virtually guarantee unpredictable chaos. When put together, be terrified (on my behalf). Be very terrified (on my behalf).

For you guidebook groupies, this research trip is only to update the chapters on Romania and Moldova for Lonely Planet’s Eastern Europe and Europe on a Shoestring books. So while the total number of pages that I’m writing/updating is far less than if I were also researching for the Romania & Moldova book, the geographic area that I’m covering has nearly doubled (I didn’t cover Bucharest or Transylvania last time, that was Robert’s job). So, while there’ll be less facts to check in each city and therefore less time spent pounding the pavement, there’ll be more time driving and as I’ve already testified, despite improvements in road conditions and driving behavior, driving in Romania and Moldova largely remains white knuckle, ass-tightening anarchy.

(more…)

If you missed it, you can check this page for the rerun schedule, but I’ll save you the suspense and tell you that Anthony’s trip to Romania was pitifully conceived, planned and executed. Among other things, totally avoidable eff-ups included:

• Rather than contacting me, he let his bumbling Russian buddy, who’d seemingly visited Romania once for a week in the 90s, plan the whole trip for him, including going to one of the schlockiest restaurants in the country and spending the night at a Dracula-themed hotel in Braşov on Halloween with a tour group from Nevada.
• Spending more than 30 cumulative minutes in that hellhole Bucharest.
• Believing that a professional advance team could iron out any pesky Romanian bureaucratic impasses before he got there and if there was trouble all he’d have to do is present his trusty folder of official papers and everything would be just fine.
• Thinking that driving a Dacia 1310 long distances would be funny, good TV instead of life threatening.
• Not getting a sexy translator.

On that note, I’d like to formally announce that I have signed contracts with LP to go back to Romania and Moldova to research and update chapters for the same for the next Eastern Europe and Europe on a Shoestring guidebooks.

Some of my heartiest, long-standing blog readers will either be groaning sadly and/or getting very excited for all the pathetic, whiny, bleating, bitchy Romania and Moldova-related blog posts that are sure to follow which have historically been some of the funniest material I have ever written. Well, the joke is on you, jackholes. This is going to be the greatest trip ever and here’s why:

• I’ll be traveling in summer, not the dead of winter.
• I’ll be driving a real car, as opposed to this piece of $hit.
• I’ll be constantly mobbed by crazed fans, carrying the previous additions of the guidebooks, co-written by me, directed by me and starring me.
• I’ve been to all of these destinations before, several times in some cases, and won’t have to deal with things like getting lost while driving, getting lost while walking and getting lost while getting lost.
• I’ll have a sexy translator in tow.

On that note I’d like to formally announce that I’m taking applications for the position of my sexy translator. Ideal applicants will have the following qualifications:

• Speak English
• Speak Romanian
• Be not batshit crazy
• Be sexy

Though my Romanian language skills haven’t deserted me as fast as my Italian language skills, it wouldn’t hurt to have a second pair of ears while I’m interrogating bus station clerks or to have a flirty co-pilot to smooth things over when I get stopped by the pigs for imaginary driving infractions and shaken down for a bribe. I’m looking at you Moldova.

I blast off for the first of two Romania/Moldova trips on May 7th. Bucharest beware, I’m coming to see you first and I’m not happy about it.

Folks, my deluge of Romania travel posts on Gadling.com has begun today with this post.

Again, I should be posting 3-5 times a week for the next four weeks or so. Set your feeds accordingly and leave a ton of comments so the other writers feel unpopular and wretchedly envy.

I’ve just signed a variety of scary looking documents to seal a travel-blogging deal with Gadling for the duration of my upcoming one month trip in Romania. I’m going to attempt to post 3-5 times a week in posts of 750 words or less (testing the upper threshold of my powers of brevity) about subjects such as post-EU changes, food, drink, hitchhiking, how kick ass my LP guide to Romania is and why you should never take directions from drunk dudes.

Post frequency here will suffer as a result, but hey, 3-5 times a week is more of me than even my ex-wife could handle, so you should all be plenty sated.

See you down the rabbit hole.