Killing Batteries

Welcome to the first post of Romania Month, where I’ll be highlighting some of the country’s more notable attractions, dropping some requisite ‘best of’ lists and shamelessly singing the praises about the soon-to-be-released (June 1st!) greatest Romania guidebook in recorded history.

I want to start by drawing attention to the fantastic cover and the fantastic thing on the fantastic cover, namely the mother of all Saxon fortified churches in Biertan.

Located in southern Transylvania, within easy day-tripping range of Sighisoara and (less so) Sibiu, Biertan’s truly awesome 15th-century Saxon double-walled church was the site of the Lutheran bishop from 1572-1867 and was declared a Unesco World Heritage site 1993. I’ve posted some personal pictures here, which pitifully exemplify how hanging out of a helicopter is really the only way to do this church photographic justice.

No less amazing inside, the church’s sacristy once held treasures that were kept safe by its Doctor Evil-caliber formidable door, outfitted with 19 locks! The astonishing engineering of these locks won first prize at the Paris World Expo in 1900. (Yes, I have a picture and no I’m not posting it. I don’t want to ruin the suspense!)

The church grounds hold several other buildings, including a small bastion which was famously used (according to legend) as a last-ditch effort to discourage couples wanting to divorce. The unhappy couple would be locked up in the bastion for two weeks with only one bed and one set of cutlery. Apparently this method was so successful that only one couple decided to go through with their divorce in 400 years.

Once you’ve absorbed the church’s over-stimulating enormity, take the edge off by visiting Crama Biertan, a scrappy winery on the south end of town. With a little luck and eyelash fluttering, you may score a short tour (in Romanian), otherwise the shop sells bottles starting at one euro.

I heartily recommend World Nomads travel insurance

This is already old news to my Romania pals, but I’d like to take this blogging downtime opportunity to generally announce the recent re-launch of my online Romania and Moldova Travel Guide.

The site originally debuted in late 2006, soon after my first thorough Lonely Planet research trip in Romania and Moldova, with a design and color scheme suggesting that it had been the morning project for the kindergarten class at St Catherine’s School for the Legally Blind. Though it was, by far, the most comprehensive and regularly updated online travel guide for these two countries, its appearance was difficult to disregard.

Flash forward to late 2009. After completing the write-up for the upcoming Lonely Planet Romania 5 (in stores May 2010), and after listening to years of static by trash-talking bystanders, my web expert pal Bertine and I spent weeks redesigning and updating the entire site. Notable changes include:

•    Not old and busted looking
•    Totally updated information, accurate as of summer 2009
•    Far more pictures, including the super cool, rotating title images
•    Requisite ‘Best of’ lists
•    New hotness

Old and busted

New hotness

Unfortunately, being the most complete, constantly updated, on-the-ground research-driven Romania and Moldova travel site in the history of the universe doesn’t result in an instantaneous top Google ranking like it should. So, if any of you Romania enthusiasts would be so kind as to link up (I’d be happy to link back), blog about or disseminate glowing word-of-mouth chatter amongst your Romania-bound travel friends, I’d deeply appreciate it.

And if you are at all curious, I can confidently inform you that Romania is among the greatest destinations in Eastern Europe and boasts, on a whole, more bang for your buck than just about any other country on the continent. Budget airlines have arrived, so why haven’t you?

See you there!

I got a teensy weensy bit of good press in Romania last week. Typically when I get called out by the Romanian media, I’m being harangued by someone who has uncovered years old information, skimmed parts of it, absorbed almost none of it, then written a lengthy rebuttal where I’m liberally misquoted and exhaustively libeled.

Sadly, this good press was poorly timed. Not only was this “news” once again fueled by dated information, but (and they couldn’t have possibly known this) I am finally prepared to post my list of Romania raves for 2009.

This is not to be confused with a ‘best of’ Romania list, mainly because I did not tour all of Romania this year. This summer’s research trip only took me through the regions of Moldavia and Transylvania. Now, these happen to be my favorite regions and, by my estimation, they jointly hold a disproportionate share of Romania’s greatest offerings. However, I concede that one shouldn’t be posting anything resembling a ‘best of’ Romania list without taking places like Maramureş and the Danube Delta into consideration. So I’m substituting ‘raves’ in for ‘best of’, allowing me to bump and name-drop places/things that richly deserve it without selling it as a comprehensive list.

So in the spirit of nearly all my blog posts, let the whimsical raving begin…

•    Best Hostel to Open in the Past 12 Months: Hostel Felinarul in Sibiu. As Xplorio has cheekily pointed out, I seem to have a purely accidental, but undeniable bias for Sibiu lately. The money and exposure that the city enjoyed as a European Capital of Culture in 2007 has carried forward, with a host of new and wonderful accommodation and eating options to supplement the already attractive city. It really seems that Sibiu can do no wrong. Which brings me to Hostel Felinarul, a 14-bed sanctuary, not even five minutes walk from the trio of squares that mark the dead-center of town and roughly mid-way between the train station and the center. The Romanian-Irish husband and wife team put a lot of thought into the design, including tasteful German, Hungarian and Romania influences, and with so few beds they can afford splurges like homemade, organic breakfasts (included in the price).

•    Best Sight That I’d Never Seen or Heard Of Before This Year: the Gothic Corvin Castle. This is also a strong contender for the Most Under-Rated Sight in Romania. Located in the otherwise ho-hum town of Hunedoara in southwest Transylvania, on the way to nowhere special unless you’re heading for the Retezat Mountains (or Serbia), the meager visitor numbers here seem to be limited to wayward tour buses and exhausted guidebook authors. If you have the time and driving fortitude, it can be seen in one very long day-trip from Sibiu (perhaps working in a stop at Deva’s citadel, but only if you get a very early start), but you’d be better advised to work this sight in as a detour on the way to Timişoara or better yet during a proper visit of the area, including the aforementioned Retezat Mountains and the very worthwhile archeological site at Ulpia Traiana (Sarmizegetusa).

•    Best Drive(s): The drives from Gheorgheni to Târgu Mureş and from Sfântu Gheorghe to Miercurea Ciuc. This is an amendment to my favorite drives from last year, Gura Humorului to Vadu Izei and the Transfăgărăşan Road, which are equally amazing for different reasons. Again, this summer was my first chance to thoroughly cruise northeast Transylvania, it being a somewhat off-the-beaten-path tourism choice, and it was simply wonderful. Green, low hills, artfully scattered trees, and panoramic views right from the road. Unfortunately, I was A) driving, and B) pinched for time while zigzagging through the area, so I didn’t pull over every four minutes like I should have to take pictures.

•    Best Real Life Approximation of the Hobbits’ Shire: Moieciu de Sus (a.k.a ‘Moeciu de Sus’). An easy day-trip southwest of Braşov, Moieciu de Sus runs along a cinematically perfect valley surrounded by low hills with rocky peaks, specked with clumps of fir trees and shepherd shacks. The seemingly out-of-control development of guest houses in Moieciu de Sus doesn’t notably detract from the scenery (and there’s no fear of not finding a decent place to sleep!). My visit was one of those agonizing, travel writer moments where I drove away whimpering and cursing, wishing that I could spend a weekend hiking around the area with expensive camera equipment (and someone that knows how to use it), rather than a couple hours checking prices and being lost. Since I was once again too rushed to do the area justice with my own photos, I’ll direct you to the somewhat disappointing results available on Google images.

•    Most Improved City Vibe: Vatra Dornei. Way cheerier, scenic and friendly than when I visited in 2006, though the time of year probably played a large part (June rather than March). Also, the stretch from Vatra Dornei to Câmpulung Moldovanesc is one of the highlights of the aforementioned Gura Humorului to Vadu Izei scenic drive.

•    Most Heartening Infrastructure Development: wi-fi. It’s everywhere. Furthermore, it’s strong and free. It was a profound cross-culture mind-screw, being that I had been in Tuscany only two months earlier, where wi-fi is as rare as white truffles, almost as expensive and asking a hotel clerk about free wi-fi elicited a condescending head-shake and a chuckle, like I was asking for the keys to the family Lamborghini or a cappuccino after 10 o’clock in the morning. When asked the same question, Romanian hotel/hostel clerks looked at me like I just asked if they charged extra for oxygen. Unfortunately, Romania embracing wi-fi so heartily has led to the quick death of internet cafes everywhere. Only the biggest cities still seem to have them, but who knows for how long? I fear that soon people traveling without wi-fi equipped devices are going to be completely screwed.

•    Cheapest/Best Car Rental Companies: D&V Touring has the cheapest prices by a hair, but if you’re renting long term, it can make quite a difference. Sadly, they only have one location, Bucharest’s Otopeni Airport. The best nationwide car rental company is hands-down Autonom, who have offices in most major cities. I’ve rented from both companies repeatedly and have never had serious trouble. Better still, they’re staffed by some of the friendliest, most helpful people I’ve met in Romanian tourism.

•    Best New Night Club: Vinci, in Suceava. Next to Iulius Mall, Vinci hugs the base of an old factory chimney stack, which can be seen for miles. It’s a two-level, dark, music pumping bar, that turns into a club after 11pm. It’s all couches, little tables and red in-wall, in-floor lighting, evoking an atmosphere much like the inside of reactor going into meltdown. Best of all, no smoking! Don’t come here on a first date though, even during bar hours, the music is just a bit too loud for conversation.

•    Credit Where Credit is Due: Tarom Airlines. For years these guys were a one-word punch line for scary, over-priced Eastern European air travel. Well, my last few flights with them have been flawless and I’m hearing anecdotal reports from other travelers who have enjoyed similar experiences. Tarom’s prices have dropped to something approaching a good deal, they’ve been on time, the service has been great and even the food was pretty good. And they’ve pulled this off while most other airlines have been sliding in the same categories. How do you like them apples British Airlines?

And now for a few rants, because I won’t be able to sleep soundly if I don’t exercise the angst:

•    Worst Overall Development for Travelers: the sudden appearance of parking meters and enforcement of unannounced parking rules. One of the joys of traveling in Romania used to be the free-for-all parking situation. It was exhilaratingly lawless. Virtually any car-sized space on any street or sidewalk was fair game. Now meters are everywhere – even in certain unnamed, attraction-starved towns where they should damn well be paying tourists to park their cars – and they’re being zealously enforced. I heard one story of how someone parked their car, went looking for the slightly hidden ticket machine and in the five minutes it took to find it, buy a ticket and return to their car, some lurking swine had tiptoed up and left a fine on their windshield. Furthermore, as I painfully learned on two occasions, there are new, ambiguous parking regulations being enforced despite the fact that no one has gotten around to posting any signs. On one occasion, even locals couldn’t explain exactly what law I’d broken.

•    City Where the Vibe Actually Got Worse: It pains me to report that what charm there was of my former home, Iaşi, has all but disappeared under a sea of construction. Everything of interest or import is either closed or covered in scaffolding and years away from being completed. Honorable mention goes to Sighişoara, where they ripped up all the cobblestones in the citadel at once and are now slowing putting it all back together while tourists slide through mud puddles and dodge construction vehicles.

•    Most Disappointing Site & Most Hateful Staff: Bucharest’s Palace of Parliament. Yes, I know I didn’t actually have to visit them this year, but I’m still pissed off from last year. A few restaurants and train stations aside, I can’t think of anywhere else in Romania where the staff is so incompetent, while simultaneously being so rude.

•    Tourism Clusterf*ck Waiting to Happen: Pretty much all of the Black Sea Coast. Again, I didn’t have to personally visit this summer, but by all accounts, the trends I started noticing in 2006 (skyrocketing prices, static value and quality of service being an afterthought) have continued to worsen. One can only hope that this summer’s sudden drop in visitors will inspire the industry to rethink their outmoded and, quite frankly, imbecile business plans.

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

I’m off to Romania tomorrow for four weeks and two days of beautiful, summertime, LP research. That’s right, seven days a week, 14 hours a day of pure driving adrenalin, no meaningful conversations and going to bed at 9:45pm. Dude, I am going to have so much… ibuprofen.

I know what you’re thinking, wasn’t I just in Romania? Like not even a year ago? And you’d be correct. I was in Romania for six cumulative weeks a year ago. (Also a week in Moldova) So, why am I going again so soon? Welcome to the wild, wacky, wobbly world of wguidebook writing!

Allow me to explain: I write about Romania for three different Lonely Planet guidebooks, Europe on a Shoestring, Eastern Europe and Romania (formerly Romania & Moldova). The first two books are updated every two years. The last, every three years. In 2006, I updated all three book at once. In 2008, I updated EOAS and EEU. Now it’s time to update Romania. See? Makes perfect sense, if you don’t count all the extra flying around and repeat fact-checking after such short intervals. Actually, there’s genuine budget reasons for this staggered, seemingly inefficient process, but that doesn’t mean I can’t myopically ridicule the system for my own amusement. Plus, hey, paying work! Baby needs a new pair of crates of wine.

So, it begins again. As I’ve already exhaustively detailed in the past, guidebook work is not always very fun. Oh there’s fun, but it’s offset by long, pavement pounding days, restless nights in strange rooms with Olympic-level snorers, loneliness and, in the case of Romania, an almost sadistic number of hours of high-alert driving. That said, I’ve spent more time in Romania than any other foreign country. It’s like my second home. I’m comfortable there. And I just visited all the major cities for this trip a year ago, so the discovery process and updating will be greatly eased.

For this trip, I’ll be researching the regions of Moldavia and Transylvania. I’ve spent almost two cumulative years in Romania. All told, I lived in the Moldavian city of Iaşi for 16 months of that time, so this is by far the area I’m most familiar with. And Transylvania is, well, Transylvania. I’ve traveled the area pretty thoroughly for both work and play in the past, but never in the absurd detail that I’ll be doing now for LP. My colleague Mark Baker will be covering everything else, including Bucharest, so fire off a tweet to him if you have any good leads.

As always, I’m going to go even quieter on this blog than I already am while I’m on the road, though I will try to tweet almost every day. Unlike Tuscany, Romania is awash in free wi-fi hubs and armed with my trusty Blackberry, I should be in giddyingly constant electronic contact, like Buddha intended.

When exhaustion starts to set in right around the third week, you may not be able to glean this from my weepy tweets, but Romania is just outstanding in the summer. Unspoiled, gorgeous scenery, even more gorgeous people and (by and large) still pretty affordable. There’s the kamikaze driving, apathetic hotel clerks and maliciously unhelpful train station employees to contend with, but overall, it’s going to be a relatively easy (yet still draining) and glorious trip.

Thanks again for sticking with me and my long absences. See you down the Rabbit Hole.

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

There have been few moments in my life that I was more proud of myself than last week when I was denounced and attacked with unimaginative insults by Altermedia, Romania’s neo-Nazi online misinformation delivery vehicle. Having lost representation in Romania’s parliament due to their dwindling numbers (roughly 12), it seems the group has more time on their hands to identify and blame gypsies, Jews and insolent foreigners for the entirety of their failed, wretched lives.

Alexandra Zarnescu

The hilarious article is ironically entitled “When Freedom of Speech becomes dangerous!” (If, when you click this link you only see a message saying “Le Revedere”, try this link), a 5,744-word jabbering opus, written by the objective, ethical, and not at all sexually deprived Alexandra Zarnescu. Despite her conspicuous lack of research (a neo-Nazi specialty) and citing none of my offensive quotes, Alexandra nevertheless wrote this little nugget about me:

“It becomes utterly grave when hateful opinions of Romania coming from individuals who have the clear intent of manipulating the non-informed and of bending reality are publicly expressed without a shame, causing prejudice to our national dignity. Leif Pettersen is such a slimeball and a human piece of garbage who insults Romanian citizens in the well-known travel guide called Lonely Planet, in which he portrays himself (!) as the sole authority in the matter („the most complete online travel information source“), as well as on his personal blog, while roaring his inner rage motivated by his abused childhood and his abjections originating from his Freudian complexes and American ghetto upbringing. We are mocked by both means of propaganda simply because we are citizens of the “second poorest European country” (speaking of which, what country is nowadays the poorest in Europe: Moldavia, Ireland, Greece, Ukraine or Bulgaria?). And ironically, on June 1st 2008, this guy was praised on Antena 3 TV channel for the way he „advertises us“ in his guide!”

Oh man, that’s some sweet neo-Nazi hating discourse right there. Though, honestly, I’m a little hurt that some blogger chick named Shelly Roberts living in that hellhole Bucharest got way more slam-time than I did. I mean, she’s merely spreading alleged untruths on her cute blog, while I’m spewing it all over tens of thousands of travelers with my accursed guidebook and web site, which, during her 17 seconds of research, Alexandra has confused as one in the same – the same mistake made by the equally research-deficient Hotnews and Mediafax in May.

Where the hell are my props, Alexandra? If you’re going to lavishly defame me, the least you can do is give me three paragraphs! You didn’t even mention my facial tics or my addiction to donkey porn! I should sue your hack journalist ass for criminal under-representation!! Maybe next time you’ll give me my due credit if I use more typos and muse about the oxygen-starved womb where you incubated for 7 and 1/2 months before starting your bitter life of baffling hatred and tediously long, libelous essays.

As with my Tuscany lists, I’m doing a random (yet totally definitive and quote-worthy) best/worst overview of this summer’s research trips to Romania and Moldova.

One all-encompassing word of warning to start, do not travel here in July or August. Romania has already begun to mirror Western Europe in that heat/crowds/prices become insufferable in the high season. Leave travel for April/May or September/October when the tatty souvenir stands start drifting off, the busses disperse and the prices halve. Also, the debate on whether or not to splash out on a room with air-con will be moot.

Best/Worst of Romania and Moldova

•    Worst street signage: It’s a tie between Bucharest and Constanta. The lack of street signs and even door numbers in these cities will drive new arrivals into a singular rage, especially if those new arrivals are racing around town trying to find 25 addresses in a single day.

•    Least improved city: Sighisoara due to all the horrible, unsightly souvenir stands that they’ve let people set up inside the Citadel. Someone in their city government needs to be fired over that. And probably have their income audited while they’re at it. No one in their right mind would approve those pedestrian disrupting eyesores if kickbacks weren’t involved.

•    Best city for strolling: Brasov used to be my fav, but I’ve changed my tune and Sibiu is the winner. The newly restored historic center is just lovely with the added advantage of having scant screaming/honking cars.

•    Best tourist information office: Timişoara. The English-speaking staff here were so stunningly helpful and informed that I needed to be helped to a chair and fed a nitro pill. Iaşi’s new tourist information office is a very close second – they had less brochures, but more cleavage. For the love of Buddha, why can’t Bucharest do this? Get on the ball you lazy jackholes before I rewrite the book, saying Iaşi was re-named the capital!

•    Worst located tourism information office ever: The state of the art Piatra Craiului National Park Office in Zarneşti. Or more accurately outside Zarneşti. Like 2km outside Zarneşti, down a dirt road in the middle of an effing field. These people have mountains of excellent hiking information that no one will ever see. What a clusterf*ck.

•    City with worst accommodations value: Tie between Timişoara and Iaşi. These places either need more one and two star hotels built after the fall of communism or they need to open some hostels. Preferably both.

•    City with best accommodations value: Sibiu. Three brand new, fabulous hostels have opened here and they’re all well priced.

•    Best bookshop selling English language books: Anthony Frost English Language Bookshop in Bucharest.

•    Best museum (display presentation): Sibiu’s newly re-opened Museum of History, easily the most modern, professional and swanky museum in the country.

•    Best museum (fringe interest): Cluj’s Pharmaceutical Museum – for as long as the amiable Mr. Radu-Mihai is leading tours, for pure entertainment value, this is the best 5 lei you’ll spend in Romania.

•    Best museum (spunkiness): the Comrat Museum (Comrat, Gagauzia [Moldova]) – the lackluster collection of stuff seemingly rescued from townspeople’s attics is greatly enhanced by the staff who may only see one or two foreigners per year and want to make sure visitors see every piece of their beloved history. Be prepared for thickly accented lectures in Romanian the entire time.

•    Best hostel: the brand new, funky, comfortable and central Flying Time Hostel in Sibiu.

•    Best overall accommodations: for the rare display of swank and good value while having shown heroic restraint by not raising their prices in two years, the award easily goes to Hotel Atlantic in Oradea.

•    Most disappointing accommodations experience: Hellios Inn in Doi Mai (Black Sea Coast). A former ‘author’s choice’ selection (wondering if the author was drunk at the time of visit), I spent a very regrettable night here. The staff were rude when they weren’t totally ignoring me, the beds were awful, something leaked in the bathroom all night and, I was belatedly informed, there was no breakfast included. On an entirely separate note, Doi Mai’s beach, overlooking a shipping yard, is the coast’s worst.

•    Best beach: Vama Veche

•    Most gratuitous, death-defying, habitual display of cleavage in the tourism industry: the clerk at Burg Hostel in Sighisoara. She was the talk of men (and women) on the backpacker trail. It was impossible not to stare at this Elvira Mistress of the Night enthusiast. And you just knew if you looked long enough one of them was going to eventually bounce out. Too bad she was such a sourpuss otherwise.

•    Best restaurant: yet again it’s Bella Musica in Braşov. They keep raising their prices, but I still love them for serving mouth watering ciorba (soup), excellently prepared beef, admirably authentic Mexican dishes and the best salsa I’ve had in Europe. Honorable mention goes to Beer House in Chişinau.

•    Biggest bang for your buck: Any of the Moldovan wine tours. Some of the best and least expensive wine tours in the world.

•    Least bang for your buck: the Black Sea Coast, particularly Mamaia, Mangalia and that over-touristed craphole Eforie Nord where crowds, bad food and ludicrously over-priced accommodations leave one in a perpetual, consternated, unsatisfied state. Everyone from the four-star hotels down to the ice cream vendors took the country’s new EU member status as a signal to double prices without the tedious annoyance of adding any value to their products/services. If this keeps up, bloody Tuscany will be a better travel value than Romania’s Black Coast by next summer.

•    Best drive: as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s hands down the drive between Gura Humorului all the way to Vadu Izei. God help you if you’re the driver though, all that up-down, twisting and turning – if take your eye off the road for a second you’ll pinwheel down the mountain into someone’s hay barn. Also, for pure mind-bending height and driving anxiety, you can’t not mention the Transfăgărăşan Road.

•    Worst drive due to…
o    Road conditions: the E68 in southern Transylvania where over-ambitious road construction has left a single lane for two-way traffic to take turns using every 500 meters or so. With the interminable stop and go conditions, it’s almost faster to walk the 143 kilometers from Sibiu to Braşov.
o    Bad drivers: the entire Black Sea Coast. You get it all here – the usual local drivers invoking the patented Romanian combination of bursting appendix urgency crossed with ringing cell phone distraction. Then you also have the vacationers who are often lost (due to the above mentioned poor signage) and driving like they have all week to get to where they’re going – because they do.

•    Best off-the-beaten-path experience: the villages in Maramureş. On a side note, the new daily super fast ferries out to the Danube Delta villages makes the trip out there much more accessible. The bad news is that it’s now a little too accessible. Four star villas are appearing and school groups are arriving. So much for that little bit of escapism.

What Happened

•    Number of days on the road: 49

•    Number of rest days in that time: 2.5

•    Distance driven: about 4,028 kilometers (2,502 miles)

•    Number of cities/towns/villages/destinations visited: 47

•    Number of times I was honked at for obeying the law: 57

•    Number of times I did laundry in 49 days: two

•    Number of rain days: 2.5

•    Number of times I parked ‘creatively’: 76

•    Number of parking tickets: zero

•    Number of teeth fixed: two

•    Total cost, including x-rays, to fix teeth: $91

•    Number of guidebooks that I autographed: six

•    Number of times I was told to “come back tomorrow” by lazy schmucks that didn’t feel like giving me the information that I needed: 6 (down from 126 when I did this in 2006)

•    Number of near-car accidents: 17 (down from 372 in 2006)

•    Number of actual car accidents: zero

•    Based on my Romanian language skills, number of times that people ever so briefly thought that I was Romanian: four

•    Number of times that I was lectured about the failings of the current Romania guidebook by normal people: three

•    Number of times that I was lectured about the failings of the current Romania guidebook by batshit crazy crackpots: one

•    Number of times that I was pleasantly surprised about how Romania has improved in so far as customer service and infrastructure in the past two years: 34

•    Number of times that I was shocked at how abysmally bad customer service and infrastructure in Romania still is: 12

•    Number of times I wished I had a decent hamburger and a cider and a mattress that wasn’t made out of old tank parts: four

Tomorrow I fly back to Romania for the second time in three months like a jet-setting badass to complete my LP guidebook research, wallow in the fame of being a travel writing all-star, beat off amorous groupies with my medical burro riding crop and sleep soundly every night with the knowledge that my life kicks so much ass that my government actually imposes extra taxes on me for it.

If only.

I’m not going to deny that there are days that I struggle into my home-office desk chair at the crack of noon, with a mug of chocolate-flavored coffee, no boss in sight, having not donned shoes or a shirt in over 24 hours, read my two pieces of daily fan mail (and delete my 37 pieces of hate mail) and finally get to the grave task of writing caustic remarks and cheap shots about Berlin, Jesus and the slightly dry steak I ate while in First Class during my last flight over the Pacific, but equally, this job has its moments of sobering wretchedness.

Since I’m comfortably at the experience and wisdom levels now that allow me to accurately see into the future (by the way, it’s Splitsville for Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman in 2009), I’ll give you a preview of subjects you’re like to read about in this blog – or more likely, on my Twitter page – over the next three weeks while I’m on the road in Romania:

•    The hair-melting heat wave that’s descending on southern Romania as I write this

•    People that work in Romanian tourism, that plainly loathe tourists

•    Why in Buddha’s name did I choose to research in July, knowing that every decent hotel would be booked for weeks?

•    How many Ibuprofen per day I’m taking to fight back the hip pain

•    How little clothing women bother with on the Black Sea coast

•    The ethical dilemma of being treated like a vagrant by people whose businesses I could make or break with one sentence in the book

•    Loud hostels/little sleep

•    Has anyone sent me a check recently?

•    I have exactly zero confirmed work for after September 1st – do I worry about finances or celebrate the long-overdue break?

•    I’d kill for a cheeseburger

And so goes the head-spinning highs and demoralizing lows in the life of a travel writer.

All possible adversity, pain and humiliation aside, this is actually shaping up to be the easiest bit of guidebook research of my short career. I’ve got three weeks to do about two weeks worth of work, almost everywhere I’m going is unspeakably awesome (e.g. Sibiu, Braşov, Danube Delta, Black Sea Coast), and if things go well I’ll spend the final two or three days sitting on a beach and practicing my Romanian with some of Europe’s most beautiful women.

Now I have to go pack my guidebook writer cape and tights (the lavender or the burgundy, I can never decide), review my Romanian curse words and lewd gestures for that first drive through Bucharest, shave my head for optimum speed-walking aerodynamics and eat one last cheeseburger to offset the 5-8 pounds that I’m about to lose.

Though my Romania research is only a little more than half completed (I return July 9th for three more weeks on the road), I’m long overdue for a positive post about this country just to pacify those of you that are undoubtedly wondering why I keep coming here.

Lists are nice. Let’s do that:

• The countryside: parts of this country are so unspeakably beautiful that your brain tries to reject it as a hallucination as a defense mechanism so you don’t go insane, like during hostile alien invasions. Driving through northwest Moldavia into Maramures (specifically between Gura Humorului all the way to Vadu Izei) I wanted to stop the car every 30 seconds to take pictures. As it was, I only stopped once. The instant I fished out my camera clouds descended, but I took the picture anyway.
• On that note, the villages in Maramures are just so infectiously quaint and peaceful that you have to wonder if there might be a Valium factory nearby, pumping 50 tones of byproduct into the air every day. If they had reliable internet, I’d probably never leave.
• Wine: so good and cheap that I’m surprised the EU hasn’t outlawed it. You can get a perfectly good bottle for about 3 euros (about US$4.50) – and it gets even better in Moldova.
• I never get tired of simply strolling around cities like Sighişoara, Braşov and Oradea. They’ve got this living museum effect, like Venice without the flooding.
• I would almost live in this Podunk village just for the name alone. (NSFW)
• Ţuică: Dangerously lethal plumb brandy moonshine, but if you get the good stuff from Maramures, don’t ask me why, hangovers are surprisingly mild.
• The women: you’re all so heart-breakingly, bug-eyed, lip smacking beautiful. Every time I leave the country I want to pop out my eyes and put them in a jar, so if some accident should befall me before I return, the last thing I ever see will be your faces (and stuff).
• Parking: with the possible exception of Italy, Romania has the most lenient parking restrictions I’ve ever seen. Though I’m sure the law books say otherwise, in reality the only restrictions are that you’re car must be at least 3/4 of the way into the space and you must move your car before 8am on July 12th, 2017.
• With very rare exception, the hostels here are great and getting better. They should send every HI hostel owner in France, Italy and Spain to Romania to teach them a desperately needed lesson.
• Oh no she di’in’t! (NSFW again)

That’s all for now. Part 2 in July will take me to the clothing optional utopia that is the Black Sea Coast. A hail of purely accidental Not Safe For Work images are sure to ensue.

Bucharest was pretty dreadful, but I’ve had worse. Naples comes to mind – and that hellhole Andorra la Vella. Or that time in Los Angeles, when I drove from UCLA to Orange County… Nevertheless, I won’t be buying property in Bucharest soon or even investing in a 10-ride metro card. In many ways Bucharest is like a port town, but without the port. People arrive by plane and train, then promptly flee for more agreeable destinations.

I’ll grudgingly admit that there are worthwhile things to see here, but having visited every notable patch of grass in Romania, I can say with complete authority that anything and everything in Bucharest exists in much better form and surroundings at several other places in the country. If you’ve only got four days, fine, stay in Bucharest, if not, you’re doing yourself a disservice by lingering here.

Though not nearly as demoralizing as driving in Bucharest – which has unbelievably gotten worse in the past three years – five days on foot in Bucharest could break the patience and love of Gandhi himself. Hell, just sitting on a street corner can drain the hardest man’s will to live. The incessant car horns, the dense pollution, people screaming at each other, half-dead dogs and filth… Vlad Tepeş wouldn’t last 10 seconds in modern Bucharest. The first time someone drove by with a cigarette in one hand and a mobile phone in the other, splashing him with a totally avoidable puddle, he’d completely lose his shit. If only skewering wrongdoers from asshole to neck was still legal, people would probably have better manners around here. (more…)

Actually, I don’t really have anything else to say to you guys. I board a flight in just over 24 hours and as soon as I touch the ground in Bucharest, I’ll be a blur of over-Red Bulled, under-rested, stress-addled, bilingual jabbering motion for the next four weeks. I could promise to submit trip reports here at least once a week, but I really have no idea if that’ll be possible. On the surface, this research trip appears to be a cakewalk, but this is a Romania and Lonely Planet perfect storm we’re talking about here. Two entities that on their own virtually guarantee unpredictable chaos. When put together, be terrified (on my behalf). Be very terrified (on my behalf).

For you guidebook groupies, this research trip is only to update the chapters on Romania and Moldova for Lonely Planet’s Eastern Europe and Europe on a Shoestring books. So while the total number of pages that I’m writing/updating is far less than if I were also researching for the Romania & Moldova book, the geographic area that I’m covering has nearly doubled (I didn’t cover Bucharest or Transylvania last time, that was Robert’s job). So, while there’ll be less facts to check in each city and therefore less time spent pounding the pavement, there’ll be more time driving and as I’ve already testified, despite improvements in road conditions and driving behavior, driving in Romania and Moldova largely remains white knuckle, ass-tightening anarchy.

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