Greetings dead-eyed Tesla people who are still working there for some reason,

Based on what I’m seeing in the news, it’s become painfully apparent that your CEO, Elon “Mush” Musk, has joined Gen Z in the so-called “quiet quitting” trend. Just like his whole career, he’s just gonna adopt something that’s already been happening for years and then tell people he invented it.

Rather than perform the job he’s not qualified to do at Tesla, he has appointed himself for a job he’s not qualified to do for the government – in an as yet nonexistent agency. Despite his baffling record of failing upward, considering the incoming administration, this will most likely work out for him. I know, I can’t believe it either.

Anyhoo, you’re clearly in need of a new CEO, so I am gallantly stepping in to take the job – and, no, you don’t have any say in the matter.

Why me? Where to start?

• I am sane and self-possessed – or at least as much as can be expected after all the shit I’ve been through.
• I routinely interact with ordinary humans and I know their ways. I’m aware that your market share of that demographic has plummeted, but I think I can dramatically turn that around by looking and behaving normally. Sure, “normal” behavior is subjective, but I think we can all agree that a 100% success rate in NOT performing public Nazi salutes qualifies as “normal.”
• I have never done ketamine, though, in fairness, I hear it’s quite fun.
• I will never tell crucial Tesla partners and stakeholders to go fuck themselves and then act surprised (and litigious) when they get offended.
• I promise to never completely abandon my core job duties as Tesla’s CEO to do shit like buy a thriving social media platform and then run it into the ground or destabilize European politics during breaks in 10-hour Diablo IV marathons.
• Did I mention that I’m sane? I cannot stress this enough. I realize you’ve likely forgotten what it’s like to have a sane person in charge, so you’ll just have to take my word that it slaps.
• I will literally work for half of Elon’s salary. Instead of $101 billion, I will humbly and reasonably accept a mere $50.5 billion.

Once you’ve deposited the $50.5 billion into my checking account, I suppose I should put on pants, get on the private jet you give me, and fly in for a tour of the Austin corporate headquarters. Maybe I’ll even meet a few people whose names I will instantly forget. But please keep the tour and meet-and-greets to three hours or less, because there’s no way in fuck I’m spending the night in Texas.

Also, my private jet MUST have single-origin chocolate onboard. This is nonnegotiable. Oh, and ginger ale.

You may be thinking to yourself, “This rando can’t just walk in here and take over,” but that’s some early-2010s thinking right there. The simulation we’re living in is so glitched out right now that stuff like this is increasingly normal. And before you embarrass yourselves by saying something hilarious like this is illegal, you should know that legality has nothing to do with it. As the news over the past decade has clearly communicated, crime is no longer illegal as long as you have the right PR spin.

Yes, Elon super-fans, A.K.A. “Mush Munchers,” might be pissy about me being named CEO for a few news cycles, but then they’ll just move on to the next thing and completely forget about it. Assuming a Friday afternoon news dump announcement, it’ll be a long weekend for the Tesla media folks, but everything should be business as usual by Tuesday at the latest. And by “business as usual,” I mean having a CEO that doesn’t do a damn thing, naturally.

That said, if you’d like to exercise the imaginary agency you think you still have and decide I’m not suitable for a job I’ve never done (like that’s ever stopped you before), I’ll just take a page out of Elon’s book and name myself CEO of a subsidiary that doesn’t exist and no one asked for. Is Telsa Unicycles taken? Either way, you should prepare an office for me. I’ll never come into the office, obviously, because again, Texas, but I like knowing it’s there.

In closing, you’re welcome. With the one-two combo of abandoning Elon and me binge-watching TV all day, I believe I can turn your revenue streams around and have the company thriving by summer.