Killing Batteries

Anyone who’s every spoken to me for more than seven minutes knows that I reap the same warm, comforting feelings from the Minneapolis Skyway system as most people would experience on a quiet, tropical beach. Moving into a Skyway-connected building instantly transformed my outlook on Minnesota winters – in that winter was no longer my problem.

As such, I hatched this tribute video. [If you can't see the video, click here]

I had a lot of help making this video. Foremost thanks goes to Kaeti Hinck, who probably spent more time working on this thing than I did, and whose directing, editing and creative input significantly affected its overall awesomeness. Thanks also goes to actors Rachel Hunsinger and Jill Wigert.

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

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This is a follow-up to my traveler’s guide to coping with arrest.

Far less disturbing than being arrested while abroad, but statistically more probable, is being detained for a minor or non-existent violation and being intimidated into bribing your way out of the situation. Coping with detainment and bribery can be akin to the patience, bluffing and improvising required of playing Texas Hold ‘Em in a Vegas casino. It’s difficult to give concrete tips or answer questions without repeated use of the phrase ‘it depends’. The other players at the table may be halfwits with great cards, professionals with crappy cards, drunks with no clue or a multi-layered combination of everything.

I’ve bargained my way out of bogus traffic violations in Chisinau, Moldova for $7. Guidebook writer and sham detainee veteran Robert Reid, after coolly waiting out a 45 minute shakedown on the border between Romania and Bulgaria, finally had his passport returned and was then earnestly beseeched for details about the quality of life in California. On the flip side, travelers are returning from Mexico reporting increasing random pull-overs in heavy tourist zones that allegedly ended in an escort to a nearby ATM to withdrawal several hundred dollars, all to the refrain of “No ticket, no receipt, no problem”.

In these cases, it’s important to stay calm. Unless you were caught red-handed in a carjacking or something similarly incriminating, you can rest assured that you’re innocent and that in all probability nothing dire will happen to you. While your impulse might be to resolve the situation as fast as possible and get away, as demonstrated by Robert Reid above, sometimes the most effective method is to just wait. Expect your provocateurs to ham it up with grim head shaking, lengthy whispered huddles and maybe even suggestions that you’ll be taken to the station, but if enough time passes and it’s evident that you’re not panicking or making moves to distribute the contents of your wallet to the group, they’ll stop wasting time on you and cut you loose in favor of searching for weaker-willed prey.

On rare occasion, the official detaining you may not be a genuine official at all. In an LA Times article of October of 2007, on the subject of dubious citations and/or the authenticity of the official in question, deputy assistant secretary for Overseas Citizen Services Michele Bond was quoted as saying, “Try to get the name and badge number and specifics about the officer. The traveler also should ask for a copy of the citation.” If these tactics aren’t fruitful, she added that “You also can offer to accompany the officer to the police station to settle the matter,” an effective deterrent for purveyors of phony citations.

Though seasoned travelers in certain locales swear by the quick-exit method of offering a “donation to the Policemen’s Fund”, it’s important to remember that trying to bribe an officer is a crime. Indeed, it may very well be a much worse crime than whatever minor violation you’re mixed up in. Alternatively, if the offer of a “donation” is presented to you, and you’re in a hurry, it’s a relatively painless way to get on with your life all things considered. A common course of action in many countries, whether you’re guilty or not, is for the officer to take your driver’s license or passport to the station, where you’ll have to go the following day, stand in line and pay a fine to get it back. In those cases you’re inconvenienced and coughing up money. Faced with that prospect, a “donation” seems comparatively generous on the officer’s part.

You may find yourself in the hilarious position (in retrospect) of bargaining for the bribe amount. Never reveal exactly how much money you have on your person. This allows you to claim, truthfully or not, that you do not have the sum that’s being requested which will frequently bring down the asking price – except, of course, in the event that an ATM is in close proximity. Also, if you speak the native tongue, conveniently losing your language skills can work wonders. Don’t utter a single word in the local language, not even ‘hello’. I realize that after years of studying and practicing a language that having to play dumb will challenge both your acting abilities and ego, but exasperating communications breakdowns have gotten me off scot-free, because even the suggestion of a bribe was impossible, much less getting bogged down in lengthy bargaining.

Depending on the locale and the disposition of the officials with whom you’ve run afoul, this lesson in life can either be mirthfully painless or downright harrowing. Staying calm and using your best judgment will probably spare you serious trauma, beyond that… it depends.

[PHOTO CREDIT: elephant bribery by Shark Attacks]

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[International readers: though this piece was written for an American audience, I hope you'll find some portions of general interest.]

Before I get started, I’d like to unequivocally state, for both the readers and the person that originally suggested that I write this piece, who fancied that I’d know a little something on this subject, that I have never been arrested while abroad. Detained, yes. Arrested, no.

No matter how straight-laced you are, it’s almost impossible to avoid minor run-ins with authorities if you’re a frequent international traveler. Indeed, in some countries you may even feel as if a sign has been taped to your back reading “Please harass me, pig-cop”. I’ve been held at Singapore’s Changi Airport for not looking like my passport photo – and I was just trying to change planes! (Incidentally, there’s no better weight loss program than four months of high-speed travel in Southeast Asia during the hot season.) I’ve been shaken down for bribes for imaginary traffic infractions in Moldova. I’ve narrowly escaped an apparent police-supported scam to frame me for the theft of “lost” money while on a magazine assignment in Kiev. Needless to say, all of those experiences were unsettling and I never even saw the inside of a police station, much less a cell.

In comparison to those events, being formally arrested while abroad is going to be significantly more disquieting. In addition to the predictable anxiety of having your life turned upside-down, you’re faced with disparate laws, foreign languages and the rare anti-American trumped-up charge, which will cumulatively amplify the pressure of an already unpleasant situation. Usually, you’ll be fairly tried under the laws of the country in question. Occasionally you will not. Events like the case of Eric Volz who, wrongfully accused of murder, spent 16 traumatic months in a Nicaraguan prison are the stuff of Hollywood dramas.

The 1993 book “Nightmare Abroad: Stories of Americans Imprisoned in Foreign Lands” by Peter Laufer details how Americans are often caught off guard by foreign legal systems where, conversely, guilt is presumed rather then innocence. Similarly, these countries are notoriously strict on the subject of release on bail while awaiting trial.

So, what are your rights if you’re arrested abroad? What should you do first? What’s the process for your case? I went to the official source on such matters, the US State Department, and asked Bureau of Consular Affairs spokesman Steve Royster for advice:

“Americans who are arrested abroad should immediately notify authorities that they are American citizens and that they wish to speak to their embassy or consulate. This can trigger a legal obligation to allow you access to consular officials, though we have agreements with many countries to put you in touch with American officials as soon as you’re arrested.”

While this is certainly reassuring, as Mr. Royster goes on to explain, there are things that the State Department can do and things that they unfortunately cannot do on your behalf.

“Our consular officials abroad cannot represent Americans who are arrested, but we can ensure that they are not being mistreated and provide them information on their legal proceedings, including a list of local attorneys they can retain. We can also notify their friends and family back home of their situation if they wish. It’s important to note that under US law we cannot share information about your unfortunate situation unless you give us permission. Americans should get in touch with us if they’re arrested, without fearing that we will tattle to relatives back home without their permission.”

On the subject of treatment during incarceration Royster said, “Our interest is in making sure that Americans are not mistreated, and are afforded access to the legal system wherever they may be arrested without discrimination because of their nationality. When we have concerns that the American’s welfare and safety is at risk, we will make our concerns known to the host government and urge the authorities to provide appropriate protection.”

Though it is extremely rare, Mr. Royster concluded with Americans’ options in countries where there is no US diplomatic presence: “In some countries where we don’t have a diplomatic presence, like Iran or  North Korea, we are represented by another country (a protecting power) that provides basic consular services. Where we have no presence at all – as in Somalia – we try to do what we can from neighboring countries, but cannot provide direct on-the-ground support and therefore warn Amcits (our shorthand for ‘American citizens’) not to travel to that country.”

The Department of State’s Bureau of Consular Affairs web site gives further details about services that the Office of American Citizens Services will perform, including:

•    Visit the prisoner as soon as possible after notification of the arrest
•    Provide information about judicial procedures in the foreign country
•    Relay requests to family and friends for money or other aid
•    Provide regular consular visits to the prisoner and report on those visits to the Department of State
•    Arrange special family visits, subject to local law
•    Provide information about procedures to applications for pardons or prisoner transfer treaties, if applicable

In the grand scheme of things, even if you’re prone to a little drunken douchebaggery while on vacation, your chances of being arrested while abroad are incredibly slim. The US State Department reported that roughly 3,125 Americans were arrested between October 1, 2007 and September 30, 2008, an infinitesimal number considering the grand total of international American travelers and the sizable misbehaving subset of that group. That same number looks paltry when you remove Mexico from the equation, by far the locale where Americans are most often arrested.

For the record, the US State Department’s top 20 list of cities where Americans were most often arrested from October 1, 2007, through September 30, 2008:

1. Tijuana, Mexico: 687
2. London: 256
3. Mexico City: 142
4. Hong Kong: 107
5. Nassau, Bahamas: 92
6. Tokyo: 79
7. Nogales, Mexico: 76
8. Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic: 73
9. Kingston, Jamaica: 70
10. Nuevo Laredo, Mexico: 69
11. Ciudad Juárez, Mexico: 58
12. Dublin, Ireland: 51
13. Guadalajara, Mexico: 50
14. Frankfurt, Germany: 47
15. Matamoros, Mexico: 45
16. Jerusalem: 37
17. Madrid: 36
18. Manila: 36
19. Montreal: 36
20. San José, Costa Rica: 35

On a sober closing note, the US State Department also noted that at least 21 US citizens have died in captivity in Mexico since 2002, including “five apparent homicides.”

Next week, I’ll address the subject of coping with detainment and bribe shakedowns while abroad.

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

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Slackerology
Theory: bringing home less disposable income and owning less crap can raise happiness and reduce stress.

By this stage, I think my bias toward calculated Slackerology is pretty clear – as is my devout Atheism and loathing of the suburbs. While I was vagabonding around the planet from 2003 to 2007, I learned (or re-learned in many cases) some very simple, big picture truths about overall happiness and reducing stress. Returning to the US, I vowed to keep my reacquired slacker vibe going by incorporating these nuggets of wisdom into my life and so far things are going swimmingly.

These tactics aren’t for everyone, obviously, but upon first reading many people are a little too quick to declare that, while yeah it all sounds good in theory, it’s far too late for them to integrate these methods into their own complicated, entrenched lives. That’s simply not true.

I’ll allow that the larger edicts of Slackerology cannot be engaged overnight, nor without a little pain and apprehension. You are, after all, going to be required to dismiss the false necessities that have been relentlessly coded into your belief system ever since you could understand spoken language and interpret the judgmental, withering glances from old folks. Yet, nearly everyone can incorporate at least some facets of the Slackerology theory into their lives and, judging from my experience thus far, the end totally justifies the means.

I’m not trying to idolize the European lifestyle over anyone/anywhere else. Indeed, Europeans are prone to many of the same social programming instincts as we are here in the US (fashion victims in Italy, motorheads in Germany, unsettling fast food consumption in the UK). However, by and large, their lifestyle management seems to err on the side of common sense, moderation and awareness, while here in the US we seem to prefer blind consumption, competition and willful ignorance of reality. By my observations, it’s these leanings (and the added benefit of centuries of hardwired culture) that have kept Europeans operating at a more down-to-earth tempo that, by all appearances, seems to be better suited to the long term health and contentment of the human condition.

So, let’s get on with it. Here is the long awaited Slackerology 5 Steps to Living Like a European in the US:

1)    Ditch the car. This lifestyle adjustment will almost certainly sting the most, but down the road it will in all probability benefit you the most. As I described last week, with the same time, energy and money that you devote to owning and maintaining a car every year, you could, for example, take French classes and then finance a one month trip to France. Some people can implement this plan tomorrow. Others will need a little lead time. You may be required to relocate to a neighborhood (or possibly a city) with reasonable public transport and more readily available shops and services. The latter is particularly crucial. Having the necessities within walking distance of your home is pricelessly convenient and labor-saving, not to mention quintessentially European. And while you’re out house/apartment hunting…

2)    Don’t buy more property than you actually need. I live in a 600 square foot condo. This is the perfect amount of space for a single person. In fact, I could easily go smaller and Europeans frequently do. My apartment in Romania was a 280 square foot box. Not long before that, I’d occupied a house with about 1800 square feet of finished space, so naturally I was a little hesitant. Well, it turns out that I simply don’t need all that space. More space just means more area to clean, heat/cool and maintain which requires more time, money and effort. More space also lends itself to unchecked consumption, because, hey, you’ve got all that space, so you might as well fill ‘er up! Well, I promised myself I’d never make that mistake again. As such, my tiny condo is one of the main reasons I can live, and live quite comfortably, on the meager wages of freelance travel writing.

3)    De-crapify your life. I know it may not seem like it at first glance, but you simply do not need 80% of the crap that you have in your home. Same goes for 95% of the crap being relentlessly advertised to you. Do you need a TV in every room? No. And if you do, you don’t need to have a TV on in every room. (Easily in the Top Ten of my list of 1294 Biggest Pet Peeves) Do you need themed dinning room place settings for every major holiday? Do you need a gas-powered device for every facet of yard work? Do you need a CD player shaped like a jukebox? Checking your impulse-buy muscles is the first step, the second step is eradication. Not everyone has the capacity to police their own ‘crapstincts’ (crap-buying and crap-purging instincts), so you may need to employ a small team of people that are sensitive to the Common Senseless unchecked consumerism phenomenon. This process is greatly facilitated by the moving-into-a-smaller-home portion of Slackerology. Get the ball rolling by ridding yourself of anything that serves no unique purpose or that you haven’t used in a year. Christine Gilbert, she of the travel blog Almost Fearless, has had many of the same epiphanies that I’ve had and her post 10 Unexpected Costs of Owning Things goes into lavish detail on this particular subject.

4)    Reward yourself, in small doses, frequently. The Spanish have their naps. The Italians have their espresso. The Swiss have their chocolate. The French have their, um, not-working-very-much. And they all have their responsible intake of wine. I’m convinced that these brief, tiny rewards are key to contentment. Note the emphasis on the words ‘tiny’ and ‘brief’. I’m not endorsing hours of mindless TV watching fueled by a two liter Coke, a bushel of Doritos, and a Three Buck Chuck chaser. Furthermore, in many cases these little rewards serve the duel purpose of forcing us to slow down, if only momentarily, to enjoy them. In the US, we’re encouraged to go-go-go and deprive ourselves and/or feel guilty if we indulge too frequently. I’m not sure how this puritanical, throwback, orthodox-caliber discipline propagated into the general USA consciousness, but it’s ridiculous and self-destructive and we need to turn those impulses around.

5)    Work less. After you’ve ditched the car, sold all your crap and moved into a reasonably sized home, the coup de grâce is that you get to work less! Since this is the US and, for now, one of the primary motivators keeping us working to clinical insanity is our precious benefits (eg health insurance), you’ll have to be very careful how you go about this. Many employers stop providing benefits when you dip below 30 hours a week. Also, this is the part of Slackerology that, even with thorough calculating of your finances, you should approach carefully. Drop to 35 hours per week to start, wait a few months and see how things look. If you’re comfortably covering your bills, maybe drop to 30 hours a week. If a literal drop in hours per week isn’t possible with your employer, you also have the option of downshifting the job itself. Apply for a position with less responsibility and little or no prospect for overtime. If you can’t reduce your hours, you can at least reduce your stress. People may think you’re batshit crazy when you apply for a position with less accountability, opportunity for advancement and pay than the one you already hold, but you’ll have your quiet deliverance while they’re working until 10pm on a Friday night and you’re at a double feature.

And so ends the five chief points of Slackerology. Again, I have been strictly adhering to the principles listed above for over two years. Apart from the glaring lack of health insurance (which is due mainly to my voluntarily selected career path), I’m deprived of precious little in my day-to-day life. I eat well, I go out frequently, I travel and I have a stockpile of wine in my closet that could kill 15 Minnesota moose.

Though incessant repetition has trained us to believe the opposite, a modest life is frequently more rewarding than an ambitious life, with the added perk of having more time to enjoy it (under-worked people rarely die young). We often forget how happy we were as kids. The pure joy of innocence, energy and youth played a major role, but how much of that happiness was derived from the fact that we had little to no crap and responsibility weighing us down?

Agonizing over travel insurance? Maybe I can help…

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