Last year, very soon after completing my road research in Romania and Moldova, I wrote this post literally giving away the greatest reality TV concept of all time, that being following around a Lonely Planet author. Bafflingly, no one has scooped up the idea yet, probably because it was so embarrassingly good that humiliated network executives sent all their reality TV writers in for mandatory full lobotomies and they’re all still in recovery, re-learning how to send emails.
Now Tuscany is no Romania and Moldova, but that doesn’t mean that following me around still wouldn’t make great TV. I’ve been on the road for a bit over two weeks and have done/suffered the following:
• Driven about 1,700 kilometers (1,056 miles) on “autostrada” roads that are barely wider than the average bike lane in the US
• Been yelled at by Italian men who spent 45 minutes carefully coifing their head and facial hair that morning, when my car blocked their way for four minutes
• Gotten a cold
• Been lost for 30 minutes inside the San Francesco Monastery in Terna (in my defense, it’s a really big place, with “exit” signs that point to dead ends – actually, that would make a great reality TV show)
• Gotten food poisoning
• Gotten bedbugs
• Been lost 217 times
• Spent two hours and drove 60 kilometers to find a sculpture park 12 kilometers outside of Siena
• Insulted the mothers of Italy’s road signage crew 94 times
• Walked 19 miles in one day entirely within the Siena city limits
• Drunk a cumulative eight bottles of wine
• Slept an average of 6.96 hours per night
• Visited 35 cities
• Eaten one kebab
• Spent a cumulative five hours looking for parking spots
• Took the lord’s name in vain 354,205 times
• Spent 10 minutes trapped in an airport parking lot because I couldn’t figure out how to use the auto-pay dealie that had just one button and no directions
• Slept in the same bed two nights in a row on just one occasion
• Spoken to two native English speakers
• Had to pull over and spend five minutes figuring out how to turn off the rear windshield wiper in my rental car
• Committed 1,042,586 Italian grammatical errors
• Been delayed by road closures due to the same amateur bike road race three times on the same day, in three different towns, for a cumulative two and a half hours
• Narrowly avoided 12 car accidents
• Paid zero bribes
• Been offered three bribes
And that’s just the stuff I can remember and/or prove. This gig is like a hybrid of “The Amazing Race”, “Survivor” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” And the beauty is that there’s no shortage of real-life drama, so there’s no need for producers to dream up and execute wacky “challenges” and “penalties” and “disasters”. It’s already there! You can’t write this stuff! And have I mentioned my awesome booty? We’re talking O.J. sentencing Nielsen numbers every week.
It couldn’t be any simpler, just send three camera crews to follow me around for a month (yes, three, any less and they’d drop dead from exhaustion trying to keep up with me with all that equipment) and it’ll be the best unscripted TV you’ll ever see in your lives. Swear to god. And if it ever gets dull, they can just slip me a bottle of wine and then dare me to juggle a bunch of dangerous stuff. Now that’s good TV.
In other news, I have nowhere to live as of May 1st. Seriously, I got nothing. And precious little time to search. I need to live in Italy and I need always-on, high-speed internet at home and that’s about my only criteria. A house-sitting or caretaking gig would be ideal, otherwise I can only pay bargain basement rent. I need a place for May and June at minimum, maybe longer if the deal is appealing enough. If you have any leads, please pass them on.
Only one kebab in two weeks?! I eat about four per day in Italy… Well, at least the bribes sound like they’re working out.
Just want you to know that yours is the most screamingly funny, most well-written travel blog that I read, and if I lived in Italy I’d insist immediately that you come stay with us (no bedbugs, but 4 cats and 2 kids — sorry.) Wanna move to Texas? Hey, it’s near Austin, so it’s somewhat hip!
Anyway, if there was ever a poster boy for NOT taking a guidebook-writing gig, it would have to be you. May the freelance gods send you a decent writing/blogging job very soon, because you sure as hell deserve it and LP has gotten their blood from a turnip (OK, I’m sure you have a hot bod and are not a turnip.)
Do you have a history of mental illness, breast implants, a resume including sex movies or absolutely no talent of any kind ? Having read your blog you are obviously too intelligent to make the cut for Mark Burnett.
I have recently been bored by the offerings of major network primetime, but I think your show could be the perfect solution! Hopefully those writers will recover from their lobotomies soon :).
On the place to live…try craigslist. I dont know if they are international, however sometimes the US metros have opportunities you might be interested in.
I would watch your show, provided there were lengthy sequences of gratuitous nudity. Just kidding. Well, not really. Okay, just kidding!
Seriously, though–I love travel shows and you’re definitely way more entertaining than Rick Steves. The reality twist would be cool.
On the recommendation of one of the previous posters for craiglist, I thought I’d look and see if there were any for Italy, and there are several, mostly for large metro areas. Here’s a sample of what’s available:
“Beautiful, large room in the Tuscan countryside available from May 1st until June 15th or even July 1st. The rent is 500 Euro per month not including utilities which run about 100 Euro per month. One large room with a queen sized bed is available in a grand house. This is a share with two really kind Italian roommates, both gay men and one dog. The bedroom has a bathroom located right next to it and my roommates are at work most of the time. You would need a car because the house is located in the Tuscan countryside, twenty minutes from Florence city center. High speed internet, Sky television, gorgeous garden, 25 year old Pony gentle in garden, living room, kitchen with dish washer and washing machine. Buses do pass but only every hour. The house is near San Martino della Palma, in the countryside near Florence.
For more details Call +39.3493701422 or +39.055768989 or email for more photos.”
Aside from price, I thought it sounded perfect for you … ^_~
Lucas – if kebab places were in the book, I’d eat them more often. They’re quick, nourishing and cheap, but for some reason when people come to Tuscany they want to eat “Italian food”. Lord knows why.
Sheila – Thanks for the offer. Texas, two kids and four cats sounds divine, and not even remotely distracting, but the long distance bills to Italy with all the follow-up calls I’ll need to make will hurt something fierce. And it’s not like I’m Romania Suffering here… You should have seen the fantastic chocolate mousse I had last night. If only it were socially acceptable to weep in public…
Kjohn – I see where you’re going with this, and without the prerequisites of mental illness, giant boobs and sex scenes, I can see how I might be at a disadvantage with prospective producers, but I’m still convinced there’s someone out there with more brains than money that will fund the show, and maybe tell their three friends in TV that also have more brains than money, and perhaps we can create a ground swell of… brains.
Nat/Amanda – I’ve been to Craig’s list. Nothing I can use. Even put up a short “housing wanted” post. No dice. And that 500 euros per month is about 200 euros beyond what I’ve deemed bargain basement rent. Plus, I’ll have no car… And I have an aversion to animal hair. And satellite TV. And male roommates. Not as fun to accidentally walk in on them while they’re in the shower…
McB – I’ve always said I’m not opposed to partial nudity. For some reason no one has taken me up on it yet. More proof the industry is effed.