The three or four people closely following my glorious career, and composing various unauthorized biographies about me, peed themselves a little recently when I quietly launched a new side project: A gangsta rapper alter ego known as “Righteous Culo.” This was combined with the announcement of my first album filled with songs about travel.

Unfortunately, I immediately lost focus and creative direction. I’m told this is common in rap, what with the distractions of groupies, booze, being a pimp and producing family comedies on TBS.

Well, I’m happy to announce that those dark, wayward days are over and Righteous Culo’s debut album is in full production. I followed the advice given to all fledgling writers and decided to drop dope rhymes about what I know.

The result? The world’s first gangsta rap album exclusively composed of songs about travel: “Where’s the Hostel, Motherf*cker?”

Dr. Dre begged me not to go into too much detail, but I so truly love my fans that I can’t resist posting the track list as an appetite-whetter:

1.    “Extra Spicy Kebab, S’il Vous Plaît”
2.    “I Got Bed Bugs at Yo Mama’s House”
3.    “WTF TSA?”
4.    “I’ll Put My Chacos in Yo Ass!”
5.    “Walk This Way – Or You’ll Miss the Bus, Yo”
6.    “Baby, I Don’t ‘Like’ You That Way”
7.    “It Was a Good Day to Do Laundry”
8.    “Hablas Englisho?” – Featuring Bill Bryson
9.    “A Month in Amsterdam – Parents Just Don’t Understand”
10.     “Nuthin’ But a G-String”
11.     “$25 Wi-Fi? – TripAdviser Ass Whuppin”
12.    “Dat Ain’t No Girl! (Bangkok Blues)”

Aight, I gotta go meet with my eyebrow stylist and my limp choreographer. Rest assured, like any legitimate artiste, I’m constantly reinventing myself and it’s entirely possible in the foreseeable future that I’ll announce my entry into the world of competitive TV-watching or something equally as unexpected, but low-key awesome. Until then, world peace out.