It’s looking like this space hotel thing is going to be a reality. And thank Buddha for that. Never mind universal healthcare, we’ve gotta be able to blast a handful of recreational tourists into space a couple times a year. On a completely unrelated, but bitterly sarcastic note, I wonder how many decades of universal healthcare 12 billion dollars in unguarded, contractor Mercedes-buying cash would buy? (Note to self: bookmark for future “What’s Pissing Me Off Today” post.)

All infuriating, aneurism-inducing diatribes aside (Note to self: cease all aneurism-inducing activity until I have health insurance), let’s get to work on how I’m going to be the first travel writer to get a comped room at the Space Hotel.

Just as a reminder to all the hacks and filthy rich “celebrity journalists”, I called dibs on being the first travel writer in space way back in August of ’06, so you all can eat my vapor trail. This gig belongs to Space Cadet First Class Leif Pettersen.

However, there’s the little matter of the 12 million dollar room rate. Admittedly, that’s a mighty big comp. In fact, I think that might roughly equal the sum total of all journalist hotel comps in the history of print media. A bit ambitious I know, but this is outer space, where even a cup of tea with the marketing director is going to hurt some wallets.

So, it’s strategy time. Who do I pitch to? Directly to Mr. Bigelow himself? Or maybe his Space Hotel hospitality manager? And what magazine will hand over that mother of all assignment letters? Will syndicated newspapers that don’t print stories written on the strength of free trips relax their rules for this special occasion or do I need to go into my pocket for the 12 mil to earn their $120 fee like usual? There’s gonna be a lot of free crap solicitation ground breaking being done here. The upshot is these efforts will help pave the way for my seat on the manned space mission to Mars in 2025.

As for my qualifications, there’s no question that I’m the perfect physical specimen (I was at the final casting call for the movie “300”, but I was dropped in the last round because my abs were pulling focus from Gerard Butler) and I have a proven track record of making seemingly unfunny, trivial events into almost-book deal getting hilarious anecdotes, usually with the judicious use of the word ‘doo-doo’. And deadlines? Forget about it. If I miss a deadline, we’ll just kick the Space Hotel into reverse hyper drive, turn the planet back a week Superman-style and boom, no more deadline problems. I could conceivably send in my article before I even blast off! Would that blow some editor minds or what?

The only question that remains is will the Space Hotel have WiFi? I get super pissy when I can’t check my email.

[Photo credit: Bigelow Aerospace]