I’ve been inspired by last week’s list to make another list. Normally, I’m not a list guy. I just don’t do it. I can barely get it together to make a grocery list (e.g. yesterday I forgot mayo and contact lens solution), much less an authoritative, trustworthy list for public consumption. It wasn’t immediately apparent to me why this was, so I decided to give it some thought and make a list of why I don’t usually make lists:
1. Too much organization and work
That was it. Is it technically a ‘list’ if there’s just one item or do I have to downgrade it down to an ‘excuse’?
I came to realize that compiling and arranging a comprehensive list is too close to research and, sweet Jesus, do I ever hate research. The only reason I had the strength to do the Tuscany list was because I’d just finished a month on the road and it was all pretty much in my head, or at least somewhere in the 90 pages of notes that were at my immediate disposal, so research was minimal.
Equally, I’ve spent a lot of time in hostels recently, mentally compiling an exhaustive list of hostel pet peeves. So, I thought I’d take a shot at putting together a list of hostel etiquette.
I’m aware that similar lists/discussions have been launched a hundred times on a hundred travel discussion groups, so I hesitated to broach such a stale subject, but you know what? Every day thousands of knobs barge into hostels around the world and commit gross, common sense, hostel etiquette infractions, so clearly a hundred discussions in a hundred discussion groups hasn’t made any difference whatsoever. Someone has to make this information public and hammer the issues home in a no-nonsense, articulate way, both for each new generation of hostel residents and the slow people who year after year fail to learn by the excellent example I set.
My dream would be that hostels around the world would print this list out and make each arriving resident read it, be made to recite it aloud in front of a group of witnesses (right hand raised, left hand on the regional Lonely Planet) and then sign it in blood just for good measure before they’re even allowed to put down their backpacks. If this practice takes off, the days of me being annoyed will become a thing of the past – at least in hostel situations, train stations are another story…
So, here it is, my comprehensive, research-free list of hostel etiquette to live by or else:
1. If your train leaves at 6.30am, pack your shit the night before, not at 5.30am, jackhole.
2. If you come in late and the light is off, do not turn it on. If you can’t see where you’re going, T.S. You should have packed a keychain light instead of your curling iron.
3. If 10 people are sharing one bathroom, do not take a 45 minute shower at 8am. If it really takes 45 minutes to wash your nasty self, do it in the middle of the afternoon when everyone is out.
4. If you snore, alert your roommates and tell them the best way to get you to stop (in my case, get me to roll to my side). If you’re an incurable snorer, go to a hotel.
5. Do not have loud sex in the room while everyone is asleep and if you do, don’t get mad and demand “privacy” when the rest of us sit up and bemusedly watch.
6. Just because you’re merrily drunk doesn’t mean I’m merrily drunk. This goes double for any time after midnight, because unless I’ve recently told you otherwise, I like sleep more than I like you.
7. Is it really necessary to pack all your stuff in 43 individual, crinkly plastic bags? One bag for socks, another bag for underwear, another bag for q-tips, another bag for your swimsuit, another bag for dirty socks, another bag for dirty underwear… If so, you need to pay particular attention to #1.
8. Don’t hit the snooze button on your alarm three times.
9. In fact, get a vibrating alarm or use your phone or something. The rest of us didn’t come all the way to Nice to be woken up by someone else’s alarm clock at 7am.
10. You are not the center of the universe, I don’t care how long you studied in Paris.
11. Do not clean the dried mud out of the soles of your sandals by whacking them on the floor at 6am.
12. When you come in from partying at 3am and wake everyone up while you clumsily get ready for bed and then people are too loud for your liking at 9am, keep your effing mouth shut.
13. If you walk into the TV room and six people are sitting there intently watching the news, do not change the channel to your favorite Indian soap opera.
14. Ditto if, in the example above, the words ‘news’ and ‘Indian soap opera’ are swapped with ‘Spiderman II’ and ‘cricket’.
15. Having a half-whisper conversation with your friend all the way across the dorm room at 6am is still disruptive and rude, so don’t try to pretend it isn’t.
16. Believe it or not, when you thrash around or heavily drop stuff onto your part of the bunk bed, it disturbs the person sleeping on the other bunk.
17. Just because you’ve been there a couple of nights doesn’t mean you can take over the whole room by spreading your shit everywhere.
18. Spontaneous farting is only funny under very precise circumstances. It requires exquisite comic timing that most of you don’t have, so better to just save yourself the embarrassment and do the slow release or, better yet, leave the room.
19. The dorm is for sleeping and activities that immediately precede or follow sleeping. That’s it. The dorm is not for eating, getting drunk, playing “dorm sports”, doing your laundry, drying your laundry, blasting your mini-stereo (that you brought along because why?), smoking (leaning out the window a little does not count as going outside) or recovering from the flu. If you aren’t sleeping or about to sleep or just waking up, go to the hostel’s common rooms. If there are no common rooms, leave.
20. Oh yeah, guitar guys… So, you play the guitar. That’s great. And you’re so devoted to your music (dude) that you couldn’t live without your guitar for a couple months of backpacking and therefore had no choice but to bring it along. Whatever. Two things: Don’t play it in the dorm room and don’t complain how you have to pay extra to bring it onto certain airplanes. And if I may offer this… I’ve been a juggler since I was 12 years old. Juggling is an ingrained part of me. I love it. Yet somehow I’ve gotten through several cumulative years of travel without bringing along my prop bag and practicing in the middle of the hostel. Equally, piano and tuba players seem to survive a few months without their showing-off-in-front-of-girls apparatuses – I mean “music, dude”. I’m just saying…
21. If, for whatever reason, you have to completely unpack your bag, my bunk is not among the acceptable places to put your stuff, particularly your moldy flip-flops and your balled-up, dirty clothes.
22. Shower every day. You can only skip a day if you didn’t break a sweat or if you’ve been in transit or you’re in the jungles of New Guinea.
23. Also, do laundry every couple of weeks. You can get away with washing once a month only if you are not offensive smelling and you packed 15 t-shirts and 23 pair of underwear.
24. Unlimited internet access at the hostel is a great thing, isn’t it? That said, if four people are waiting to use it, it’s not OK to linger reading “Joke of the Day”, checking the weather back home or reading agonizingly long blog entries by a hilarious travel writer whose name rhymes with “Knife Lettersen”.
25. Just because we left the hostel together in a group and went to the same bar doesn’t mean I’m your babysitter, particularly if you’re a sloppy, dickhead, combative drunk. Furthermore, if we call a taxi, which you know damn well will arrive in two minutes, and you decide to go back into the bar for one last-ditch effort at hooking up with the Essex girl, don’t get pissy if we leave without you. You’re an adult. If you can’t take care of yourself, you shouldn’t be traveling without your mommy.
26. Pick up after yourself. Yes, the hostel has a cleaning staff that comes around once a day (if that), but you’re not at home and your long-suffering mother is not around, so don’t leave banana peels and half-empty cans of Coke on the floor and then act surprised when they’re still there a few hours later.
27. Finally, and most importantly, before you do anything, ask yourself this question: “Would I mind if someone else did this?” Incidentally, if your answer is “it depends”, that means don’t do it.
28. At least give a half-assed try to keep water in the shower. Thank you.
When you coming through Paris again – we should get drunk ..
You juggle? Very cool…
As for 25 — YES! More people should learn this rule…hostel or not!
Perhaps this entire list can be summed up by the Golden Rule? :) Do unto others, yackety yackety shmackety.
Having said that, most of the people who don’t follow these ideas, know that they’re not following them, and for whatever reason, just don’t give a hoot. (something about being selfish so- and so-s)
29. If food in the fridge has a name on it, don’t eat it.
eh, but these are hostels. you get what you pay for.
anyways, it makes for funny stories.
Lucas – Good one. But sometimes it’s the hostel’s fault, like the HI hostel in Lyon, France. The showers slope out into the hallways. And the sinks had thruster-rocket water pressure, that cascaded massive spillage out onto the floor (and your crotch) no matter what precautions you took. Come to think of it, that whole place was effed.
Adrian – How’s late-July/Early August? I’ll be finishing up a gig in Barcelona and I’m due to go to Minneapolis before my mother disowns me for absenteeism. Paris is usually the cheapest hub to fly out of. I’ll let you know.
Natalie – Usually when I admit to women that I’m a juggler I get a less enthusiastic response. You’re obviously a very special, open-minded woman.
Amiel – I’m a firm believer in the Golden Rule and it would easily sum up all the issues above, but that wouldn’t have eaten up 1,500 words, so I had to flesh it out a bit.
Naomi – Good point. I’m usually too lazy to self-cater (or I’m obliged to eat alone at a restaurant for work), so I don’t fall victim to that particular pitfall. But, boy would that piss me off.
I’m heading to Spain next week, so this is a pretty handy list of things not to do while in various hostels. I will try to follow your dictates. My travel companion is, however, concerned for her well-being after seeing this list. I’m generally okay as long as I don’t wake up and have a complete stranger spooning me…
McB – I have never woken in a hostel up with someone spooning me, and not for lack of trying. Well, there was that one time in Nice, but that was an exceptional event. By ‘exceptional’ I mean ‘cute’. There was a subdued ruckus as things were ‘sorted out’, which I’m sure disrupted our roommate’s slumber, but that was the same jackhole having the love affair with her snooze alarm each morning, so my conscious is clear.
Great post. I have kind of graduated from hostels. Getting too old for it.
I found out that however much you saved was inversely proportional to the money spent on getting yourself drunk so you could face going back there and actually manage to fall asleep.
Spend a little more and you’ll sleep quietly in air conned bliss. Cheaper in many cases than a bucket load of beer and several cocktails.
ROFL.
Dont know if its truer than its funny or funnier than true!
cheers
Dear Knife:
While staying in hostels, you might considering using your new pen name as it might instill some respect from your fellow boarders. In spite of your aversion to lists, you do a mighty fine job. I eagerly await your train station one, followed by “All On Board”.
Great list, a question: do you find any nationalities to be worse than others?
Excellent tips. I’d like to add:
Just like at home, if you use the last of the TP, do not do anything at all before going and finding replacement TP. It is not cool for me to wander into the bathroom, only to have to wander back out, because you have used yards and yards of quilted cotton to blow your gooey, allergy-ridden nose. (Also, after you blow that dripping shnoz of yours, please be sure to get the snotty tissue in the waste basket.)
Ourman – Yes, I’m starting to feel the same way about paying a little more for reasonable privacy and rest. In Tuscany, I did mostly hotels and boy was it sweet. Having said that, it’s also much harder to meet people and interrogate them for information that might enrich the book.
Ken – I used to have some strong opinions about who were the worst travelers (age groups, nationalities, etc), but the lines have blurred over the years and now I’m just convinced that assholes are everywhere. However, European hoteliers feel otherwise: http://www.gadling.com/2007/05/23/french-deemed-worst-tourists/
Willy – Good tip and, sin of sins, how could I have forgotten ‘don’t sit on my bed’? Oh man, that really decaffeinates my coffee…
great list! thanks Leif.
I think I’d like to say my piece.
I’d forgive them for getting together and shagging if there was no other place and they didn’t do it every night (Get a hotel the next night or switch to a shared room)
I’ve travelled for a while, and getting a sickness was unavoidable, I just got over one As a matter of fact. I stayed in the dorm room for most of the time and controlled my coughing as much as possible, I didn’t want to get anybody else sick by wandering around. If you’re sick, show respect and don’t cough at people or in their food or on their plates or on their beds… do your best to stay to yourself.
I agree wholeheartedly with the silence bit. If I’m asleep and it’s 3 am, don’t come smashing into the room. Don’t turn the lights on, and if you must, it will be for no more than a flash to let you get your bearings. Be as silent as possible. I’ve spent 30 minutes silently roaming through my backpack, silently getting stuff ready (the night before I was due to leave) even though I knew the room mate wouldn’t mind if the light was on, and it wasn’t actually that late at night. It’s just a matter of respect.
If you don’t pack pajamas, it has seemed cool to me so far with most hostels. If it’s a shared dorm, women might not want you to spend too much time in your underwear. -no nakedness though.
I pack lightly. I get in bed quick and change clothing quick. I don’t show off my bod.
And if it seems like someone might be uncomfortable with the boxershorts / briefs thing, sure, humor them the best you can
I actually found this blog because I realized I’ve just been going on what seems to be the norm. Tell me what the Etiquette on dressing for bed is. Even for superlight packers (2 pants, 3 shirts, type thing) who fit everything into a day pack size backpack.
I stayed in a room with a wicked creepy guy who used to sit on my bed (while I was in it) and touch my bag and stuff. As it turned out, I realized the morning he left that he’d stolen my only bra. No joke. So no stealing should be one, and bring an extra bra.
i always hide/throw out the obnoxious persons stuff when they pass out.and leave a nice note.or tell them in the am.the best was when a couple leaving on a trian took the bags of the people to the station and left them in lost luggage while in italy.—the whole room laughed.—you know do unto others and if they do it to you get them back right away/or when you next bump into them. thanks
Almost too funny! I’d like to add: If you’re sharing a bathroom with 10 other people, don’t walk in with your disgusting, muddy shoes or forget to flush. If so, then don’t complain when the bathroom is a disgusting mess and no one has cleaned it up for you.
Good one. I would like see a post on tipping etiquette.
well quite useful and precise handy tips for a new hostelier.
“A MUST READ”
haha funny list. great advice too.
but living with 10 people is tough anyway you splice it. so people should expect that. and if they’re the type who can hear a feather drop, they should cough up the extra beans to get a four spot. or if you’re tight on change, then some ear plugs and that thing that makes you look like Batman’s sidekick should do.
btw, a list for camping could be cool as well.
P
There is too much confusion about the definition of term “hostel”. I dont think small hotels, B&B’s or pension should call themselves as hostels.
A hostel must provide budget-price accommodation, including 1-night stays, must welcome individual travellers and must not charge them more than a member of a couple or group. A hostel must have a common room where guests can sit and chat, or eat communally.
Great post! It’s very important that backpackers know the do’s and don’t about hostel living…
I put together my own Hostel Etiquette Guide on my blog – check it out and let me know what you think: http://bit.ly/dIi7gc
im going to europe with my fiance and were planning on staying in hostels and this is really the only thing ive worried about is alarm clocks, like i dont mind others, and i honestly dont care about noise aslong as its not like music cause i might wake up for a sec, but as soon as a i see whats making the noise ill go right back to sleep. but alot of people aren’t as laid back as me, so im worried about my alarms getting on peoples bad side. when i go to europe im planning to see the countries not to sleep. im gonna be getting up at 5-6am every day. so im worried getting up that early will bug people. i know that ive already have it plan that i will always have the stuff i need ready to go and always shower the night before like around 8pm or earlier. so that way when i get up all i have to do is get dressed brush my hair and teeth, and grab my bag and go.
Quarty – You sound like one of the most considerate hostel dorm roommates ever. Though beware, in a lot of locations, not much will be open at 6am, not even places serving breakfast, so getting up that early may not bear much fruit.
You’re very funny Leif. Have you ever witnessed or been involved in physical confrontation in a hostel hostel environment ?