I attended a wine tasting a few weeks back and, as is often the case, I came away equally lit up and irritated. This is not the emotion one should feel after consuming delicious alcohol. This calls for my unique, and correct, take on wine tasting etiquette.
Unfortunately, simple common sense and manners tend to go right out the bloody window at large gatherings of people and this is particularly true among the eccentrics and self-important jackasses that seem especially drawn to wine-related events.
As is my solemn, tireless way, I’ve laid down some of the more obvious, non-debatable wine tasting etiquette tenets that should be strictly adhered to, lest some desperate wino sees fit to spit an especially nasty port onto your vintage tweed jacket.
• Get your pour, then get the frig out of the way. This couldn’t possibly be any simpler. Would you stand between a starving lion and a wounded zebra? Of course not. You’d be eviscerated, then picked over by hyenas. Planting yourself front and center at a tasting table is no less dangerous when there’s eight very thirsty people stacked up behind you.
• Don’t line jump. You will be publicly lectured to, I don’t care what form of undiagnosed Asperger’s you have.
• The food is there for everyone. So, don’t stand there idly grazing and chatting with your dog show buddies, while drunks with the munchies grow increasingly impatient behind you. Go ahead and pile your plate sky high, but do so quickly and keep moving. Also, those giant pincher things on the plates are ‘serving tongs’ not “something-you-brush-aside-while-you-serve-yourself-with-the-hand-that-you-just-used-to-scratch-your-ass tongs.”
• Wine industry people: schmooze on your own time. If you work in the wine industry, that’s great. Really. I’m sure it’s gangs of fun and you’re the envy of all your friends. But this is not the time or place to waltz up and schmooze with the reps, preventing them from doling out samples as ya’ll make hollow promises to meet for coffee. If you think monopolizing the rep’s time while loudly name-dropping and casually listing your credentials is going to impress people waiting for a pour, you’ve clearly lost the plot.
• Attendees: long-winded conversations with the rep are not cool. The rep is there to give you a quick, information-packed spiel while pouring your sample. This is why they’re there, otherwise the job could be done by robots. However, they are not there to humor you while you ask 12 pedantic, follow-up questions about the wine, alluding to your world travels and extensive grape knowledge while I go thirsty. If you really need that much detailed information on the wine’s background, go to their web site.
• Wine reps: don’t play favorites. I have no doubt that the allure of paying special attention to colleagues and those with the most generous square footage of exposed cleavage is powerful, but the rest of us are paying attendees and we should not be punished for being mere citizens or reasonably concealing our boobs (etcetera).
Thus concludes this mandatory reading on wine tasting etiquette. Did I miss anything?
[IMAGES GRABBED FROM: The Sarah Show and Wine Terroirs]
Amen, brother!
I love everything about this post! Spot-on.
Word! And that bit about “some desperate wino sees fit to spit an especially nasty port onto your vintage tweed jacket,” been there. Unfortunately.
While your whines about wines were somewhat redundant and repetitive—as is my comment—they are, nevertheless, as true as true can be.
To the clueless: quite pretending you know something about wine and are not there, like the rest of us, to get your buzz on.
Get your pour, shut the eff up, and move to the right, just like in Seinfeld.
I come back to check on my absolute #1 favorite lonely planet writer’s blog and I’m greeted with ads. Why isn’t adblock filtering them out… bet you’re proud of yourself. Well, so long as they’re around, how much would it cost to advertise my new cologne.. Lucas, by Lucas.
Thanks for commenting everyone!
Lucus! – what is this so-called “adblock” you speak of? I need it. And yes, my blog has, very belatedly, started to provide me with a little pocket money. Still, the ads are less offensive than the old yellow/gold/”fruity” background, right?
Adblock is an add-on for firefox, and the best thing in the world after a well-run wine tasting. Just google it. It removes all ads from pretty much any website, with apparently the exception of yours.
Love it. Mind if I hand this out at the next tasting I attend?
Wow!!! I’m impressed that there is someone with manners and common sense. I’ve often threaten my husband with writing a book, after he complains about me complaining. It seems the (and trust me it kills me to say this….) younger generations “X” & “Y” are about getting their monies worth, rather than savoring their palate with fine wine. Thus being said, these are the people you see stumbling to their cars and/or dragging an intoxicated female home….. I maybe older than 39, but realize good manners do account for proper upbringing/class. Thank you Mom!
Could not disagree more with a few of your points. That wine rep does not want to be there. He or she will not make any money getting a large mass of people drunk. When someone in the trade comes up, it is seen as an opportunity to make a sale, and will spend more time with that person.
I’ve been on “both sides” of the tasting table, and trust me, it’s whoever drew the shortest straw that works a tasting.
For etiquette I’d suggest….
Spit buckets are there for a reason. Use them.
Industry folks are there for a reason, too. Generally they’re a fun bunch of folks all to eager to share their knowledge — ask them questions.
DO DO DO DO “schmooze” the reps. They’ve usually got a secret stash of better wines under the table for “the cool kids”.
If you’re just out to get drunk, a bottle of Popov is usually cheaper than a ticket to a wine show.
Cheers!
@Matt – I maintain that, whether you’re there to taste and thoughtfully assess the wine or simply get blotto, you paid for a ticket and therefore you should get priority over idle rep-to-rep chit chat that should be taking place in a more appropriate venue anyway. And most tastings, at least the ones I attend, coincide with a sale, so not only are there paying customers there to be attended to, but those people are taking copious notes and, undoubtedly, intending to return and plunder the sale. (After they sober up.) Double the reason reps should attend to customers first, colleagues later.