Hello from New York City. I’m having a fantastically productive and enjoyable time trying to make the word a better place through literary genius and drinking excessive quantities of wine.
I’m about eight working hours away from being done with the Romania and Moldova guidebook project that I’ve been picking at since May. I just have to do some copying and pasting, some proofing and I gotta find someplace to stick in my signature word that I sneak into all my LP manuscripts (‘doo-doo’). A little over two weeks ago I decided enough was enough with my lollygagging, I wanted this LP job out of my life ASAP. I realized that the only way to do that was to crack the whip and sequester myself from all humanity. So I did.
For over two weeks I only left my building a handful of times that didn’t involve securing sustenance. I went to a wedding. Went to brunch and dinner once. That’s about it. I don’t know if this happens to everybody, but when I’m alone under these conditions with virtually no genuine face-to-face contact with humans for so long, I talk to inanimate objects, abuse sugar and caffeine (then wean off sugar and caffeine when my kidneys stop working) and my brain starts to do weird things as I lose connection with reality. I skip showers (Why? I didn’t sweat today.), my toothbrush goes untouched and my mind strays wildly. The following is a sampling of passing thoughts I’ve had during numerous profoundly lonely, coffee-enhanced moments:
• I bet if I concentrate hard enough I can move the mouse with my mind. [Hrrrrrrugh!] Almost.
• If I just cut the crap and blogged exclusively about Gossip Girl, I could earn a comfortable living on Adsense revenue alone.
• “‘C’ is for cookie, that’s good enough for me…”
• What kind of jail time am I looking at for taking paintball sniper shots at football tailgaters/Hummer drivers/RNC delegates?
• Lauren Conrad gets a three-book deal with HarperCollins and I’ve just broken the world record for consuming frozen pizza. Et tu Buddha?
• How effing badass would it be if I grew out my nose hair and braided it? We’re talking instant record deal.
• If I Googled ‘Google’, would the universe implode?
• What if cherry tomatoes were actually demon testicles? That’d be cool. [Hrowmph!] Take that demons!!!
• It smells like hamburgers in here. No, it smells like charcoal. No, my pizza’s on fire.
• Human nature can be distilled down to exactly three instincts: surviving, fornicating and eating chocolate truffles.
• There simply aren’t enough opportunities in life to use the word ‘fornicate’.
• How many times does something have to happen before it becomes clichéd? A hundred? Ten thousand? Does that mean poor spelling is clichéd? If so, the Cliché Police should be here any minute. I better put on some pants.
• Why hasn’t anyone put one frozen pizza upside-down on top of another frozen pizza, called it a ‘Pizza Sandwich”? I’d buy that. Now I’m hungry.
• I wonder if people still use, whatdoyoucallit, ‘cars’?
Obligatory “I am not a lawyer” disclaimer here…
I think realistically, assuming you have no prior incidents with the law (a quick search turned up just your divorce records, though did you know there is another, slightly younger, also divorced Leif Pettersen in Minnesota? *He* uses a car…quickly. Too quickly, apparently.), the most amount of jail time you’d have would be a few hours until your lawyer got there. Possibly overnight, depending on timing. I can think of a handful of arguments that would get you nothing but probation and possibly some community service, especially if you could convincingly portray remorse.
Bahaha!! Oh my gosh, I think some of the same exact things sometimes!! I want a pizza sandwich! And trying to move things with your mind when you’re super bored is way fun (I swear it was my mind, and not the fact that I may or may not have just bumped the table, that moved that pencil just now.) And the urge to shoot paintballs at loud people outside my window is sometimes hard to resist!! (Although, for me, the “loud people” outside my window are in the 3-7 age range but still. . . sometimes kids just need to shut up and let me sleep)
And- “Ohhh cookie cookie cookie starts with ‘c'”
Long time no comment from me…sorry bout that :)
I recently had three months of “working from home” in which very little work got done at all. I had some of these same thoughts! I didnt think of paintballs, but I did consider throwing marbles at pedestrians (it was tourist season here in DC…many many groups of 13 year olds running loose in my part of town–scary)
After reading of your experiences in Romania and Moldova, it seems there would be plenty of opportunities to use doo-doo…however, I do think it would be more challenging to use the word ‘fornicate’ and think you should try!
Frozen pizzas are definitely one of the more underrated food choices out there.
Am I the only one who feels disappointed when Leif’s work from home posts don’t include pictures?
:-) You were still pretty funny even though you were a bit crazy
Just back from a dive trip to North Sulawesi: mucking capital of the world.
Glad I didn’t miss too much; even the head cold on the flight from Singapore to Manado. Love airplane air.
FYI: I am not sure but I think your pizza sandwich sounds a lot like a calzone.
Bree – Thanks! That sounds like a green light to me!
Mary – See above. Seems we’ve got nothing stopping us, unless you have a record…
Nat – Welcome back. Yes, ‘fornicate’ does sound more challenging. I’m working on it.
Jamie – Inspired by your coy question, there will be at least one pic in the next post. Though if you were hoping for pantsless, you’ll be sorry. Even on my craziest day I don’t go pantsless in Brooklyn.
Anton – There must be crazy for there to be funny. It’s textbook.
Frank – Calzone isn’t American enough. Now tell people you’re selling ‘Pizza Sandwiches’ and the line will be out the door.