On direct orders from my agent, publicist, personal chef and the Pope, I’ve been trying to up my writer profile lately by targeting big name publications. I started by short-listing several household name publications, then eliminating the sadistic jackasses that pay 25 cents a word despite an excess of two million readers and the ones that only accept queries on spec. From there it was time to start doing my research by reading several issues of each publication to get a sense of the types of stories that they print so as to craft the perfect, laser-guided pitch. This is how I ended up with 15 Playboys strewn around my house.
No, I did not go out and buy 15 Playboys. Buying a pile of back issues for US$5 a piece for every publication you want to pitch is what suckers do right before they have to layoff their personal chefs. Instead I thought I’d be smart and just call every guy I knew asking for a couple recent issues. This tactic probably would have paid off back in 1992, but with pictures of naked girls hard-hitting articles freely available on the internet these days, I came up totally empty handed. Unwilling to call it quits, I broadened my search and finally hit pay dirt: a single mom who’s been mysteriously receiving Playboys for free in the mail for the past ten years. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that in the first place?
Let me state for the record, that despite the open-minded environment that I currently enjoy, there’s nevertheless a certain awkwardness to having that many nudie magazines in the house. Every time someone comes over you have to decide how well you’re going to hide them. Solutions have ranged from thrown in a corner to behind the panel where the shower pipes live. It’s been a weird couple of weeks.
In any case, after countless hours of tireless, diligent, wrist-breaking research, I think I’ve finally cracked the Playboy editorial formula. If you want to successfully pitch Playboy, you need to do a “raw and uncut” interview with the latest Hollywood stud, review a golf course, profile a deceased 70s mobster, pick any vague government conspiracy theory and ‘uncover’ it to the tune of 5,000 words or change your name to Gore Vidal and write about whatever the hell you want.
Suffice it to say, I’m admitting defeat. Not even on my best day could I satisfy any of that criteria and anyway I’ve already gotten cease and desist orders from Vidal’s lawyers.
Next up, Vanity Fair. Glancing at covers, it seems I need to interview a starlet that makes in excess of 15 million per film, report on a conflict zone, sensationalize a dead artist, or edit an ex-president’s memoirs. Does anyone know Gerald Ford’s grandkids or ex-maid?
Cease and desist orders, from VIDAL’s lawyers?! Better remind old GV that he himself said that, in certain individuals, after age fifty litigation takes the place of sex.
so, um, are you done with the playboys?
The Kleenex is a nice touch.
I have a query I’m working on for Playboy. Where else do you sell a story about a brothel that accepts Chamber of Commerce coupons?
Lee – I’ll tell my lawyer to tell Vidal’s lawyers to tell Vidal that you said he’s too uptight and should try to get ‘laid-igation’.
Lucas – I may have to read them all again just to make sure I didn’t miss anything important. Ask me again in a month.
Jessie – Bonus points for being the first to mention the Kleenex.
Leif you should have nicked one of those horse shoe couches from the Chile trip.
Mike – Tell me about it. Those were the ultimate party couches. You could eat, drink and pass out all without ever moving.
All you have to do is write above average articles, then airbrush them. It seems to work for most of their content.
I still have heaps more to give away, Leif… Are you still needing “research?”
Strange that I get them, but it has been about 9 years now, I am more than used to it. I often swap them with a friend who gets free magazines, too; ones I prefer, like Elle Decor. It seems that PB needs to prove to it’s subscribers that it’s demographic extends to a certain number of women – like me.
If you are really stuck on writing for Playboy, why not do an interview with Brooke Busey (aka Diablo Cody). Given that she gained fame in your home town, you ought to to be able to find someone there who knows her & can wrangle an intro. Playboy would be perfect spot for in an in-depth, pithy interview with the ex-stripper turned sure-to-win academy award writer. Should be perfect for you and more importantly, I think she just may be your soul-mate.
Or has PB & GV already jumped on her, so to speak.
Ed – Yes, you’re right. I think I’ve been going about this all wrong. I was gonna try to write something GOOD.
Single Mom – You lead a very blessed life. Being a woman sounds super awesome.
Maureen – Great idea! That said, dibs.
I think between mattress and box spring is the classic, but difficult in bulk.