Have you ever noticed how there’s just too damn many saints, popes, royalty and leaders for any person with a reasonable social life to keep track of? I’m even fuzzy about the ones that are still alive, much less the untold hundreds of dead ones that people with a good inner-city education should have at least heard of. Did you know that Attila the Hun was from Hungary? Why did I think Mongolia?
Italy has no shortage of important people that I should at least have passing knowledge about and that’s creating a lot of extra work for me while I expand coverage for the LP book. It seems to me that someone should arrange of all the important people in history and present them all in one neat, chronological list. I realize that this might be more popularly known as ‘a history book’, but that’s not what I’m getting at. Just the really important people, done in a clear timeline, with cross references to other important people they interacted with. The current method of deluging us with information about every idiot that ever wore a crown, fed to us over the course of 18 years of schooling, is not sticking. And no, I will not be the one to compile that list. That’s a Bill Bryson job if I ever heard one. I know my strengths… If it isn’t about traveling or writing or complaining about something or cheap, yummy wine and coffee, I don’t want anything to do with it.
Nevertheless, lately I’ve been obliged to contribute to the array of random history lessons that no one is going to retain for more than five minutes. Last week I had to write a bunch of stuff about St Catherine of Siena, one of Italy’s two patron saints, a patron saint of Europe and an all around Global Saint All Star. Writing a straight piece about a saint was not easy for me, what with my natural tendency for cheeky cynicism and my distrust for pretty much all organized religion – except Buddhism, which as far as I know is the only religion in history that hasn’t sparked widespread wars, violence, ignorance and intolerance. In your face Christianity!!
Before I get into it about St Catherine, let me first say this: saints in general? Not very saintly. It doesn’t take much research and impartial scrutiny to spot disquieting smudges on the repute of most saints, both early in life and even after hitting their saintly peak. Take St Francis of Assisi. Although it’s usually glossed over, he was a ne’er do well trustifarian (trust fund baby cum hippie) that screwed around while he was young and buggered off to party and sow his wild oats on the Crusades in early adulthood. Back in Assisi he was such a public pain the ass that he’d have certainly been the victim of an ‘accidental drawing and quartering’ if he didn’t have rich kid immunity. It wasn’t until daddy finally threatened to cut him off that he found religion. And even then he and his crew just ‘gallivanted through Umbria, preaching to birds’. And he supposedly got the stigmata? How do we know he didn’t just get super drunk one night and stumble through a window?
Worse was St Rita of Cascia. OK, she started out with the right saintly intentions, she’d always wanted to go into the convent, but her parents forced her into marriage with a rich, abusive older man. He was eventually croaked by locals, as was the custom for dealing with irritating neighbors in the good ol’ days. OK, she might have had nothing to do with her husband being offed, but soon after her young and healthy twin sons somehow both died of “natural causes” within a few months of each other? And like ten minutes later she was at the convent like she’d always wanted? Hmm… If that happened today, there’d certainly be an inquiry or two. An autopsy, a car chase in LA, a circus-like televised trial, a million dollar book deal…
But let’s get back to St Catherine. She didn’t party out or bear witness several mysterious deaths in her immediate family, but she was unquestionably frea-kay. Apparently as a small child she liked to run out into the street and kiss the ground that Franciscans had walked on. At age seven she ‘consecrated her virginity to Christ’. She what???? Where were her parents while this was going on? Something like that would so end up on Springer if it happened today. Hell, I didn’t know what the crap ‘virginity’ was when I was seven, much less have the wherewithal to consecrate it to anyone! Well, maybe Wonder Woman…
At 18 she assumed the life of a Dominican Tertiary. She somehow felt this excused her from pretty much everything. No job, no helping around the house… She just hung out in the basement ‘focused on devotion’ and experiencing ‘ecstasies’. You know what we call that today, don’t you? ‘Playing computer games’ and ‘tripping balls’. She was noted for fasting and living solely on the ‘Blessed Sacrament’, better known now as ‘take-out pizza and cheap wine’. She never even bothered going to school, because apparently she didn’t learn to write until she was in her 30s. Is scholastic truancy a sin?
After a ‘series of visions set in Hell, Purgatory and Heaven’ (i.e. ‘bad trip’), she started to come around. Finally, possibly out of sheer boredom, she came out of the basement. Since her family and friends were all pissed off at her for years of laze and anti-social behavior, she had little choice but to go hang out with the sick and poor (we called them ‘burnouts’ in high school). Since they didn’t judge her for ‘keeping it real’, she eventually just moved in with them, helped feed and cure them and the saintly mystique was born.
She also spent much of her life writing letters to royalty and popes, chastising them for their behavior. Much like the paranoid, activist, conspiracy theorist cookies of today.
So what have we learned here? If you totally bomb as a parent and your kid retreats to the basement for a few years of getting stoned and first-person, shoot-em-up “Xboxstacies”, there’s still hope! Just wait them out. They’ll probably shake it off in their 20s, eventually move out and settle into an underachieving, scattered, but harmless lifestyle. Then, in two hundred years, some pope with a sketchy, biased account of their lives will canonize them and you post-mortemly become the greatest parents on earth! Well, until some smart-ass, heathen travel writer decides to zing you…
Dear Leif,
it does not take a genius to guess that the Huns came from Hun-gary, especially if you know that Attila is a very popular name there, and the hungarians consider him a hero.
Saint Francis never was in a crusade. He did not believe in killing. He led the good life of a rich boy, but his repentance came at 17. You must agree with me that he could have lived the good life a while longer. I am an out and out atheist ( there! do you have the courage to say that word, Leif?). From what i know Santa Catherina da Siena wished God to kill her sons before they became thieves and murderers and got her wish immediately, as the two buggers got killed by lightening before they did anything wrong. What about that for instant karma? Get your Saints straight, go to Naples where you will find books on all saints that ever lived and even on some that did not, but don’t touch Saint Francis. He was one hell of a good poet and writer
Your admirer
Gemma
I was waiting for someone else to start but I guess I’ll just go ahead .
I laughed a lot reading your post ,but the act of laughing gave me cause to curse St.Vitus ,the patron saint of comedians, as it is very painful for me to laugh due to my infamous backache!
I have a few things I’d like to add on the subject,but lacking the help of the aforementioned St.Vitus I’d just bore the socks off everyone…but if you want I’ll tell you some more funny saint gossip!!
they say that coincidences are God’s way of keeping anonymous, but it just so happens that I’m reading a book (“the burglar who liked to quote kipling”by Block if anybody cares) in which the history of quite a few saints comes up,some of which are quite funny .
Leif ,I was comatose when I read the post,isn’t it amazing what trivia can do to people’s health?
now ,who is the patron saint of trivia ?
and where is Lucas when he’s needed?
bye for now, I’m going to pass out again and send a silent prayer to to the patron saint of ailing elves(which I’m sure did nothing smutty!!!)
Hi Leif,
Your recent post was informative, but also a “hoot” at the same time. I never really understood the need to canonize deceased mortal anyways,
but I do believe in God.
I’ll be heading to Romania, in July, for about six weeks (Brasov to be exact) doing volunteer work. I am looking forward to your book on Romania & Moldovia and planning to purchase it from my local Barnes and Nobles.
Dearest Kookie nut,
My admiration and respect has reached heroic proportions… How brave thou art….rippin into the holy ones while still close to the vatican. Yellow is definitely NOT your color. In honor of your bravery, I’m sure Lucas will be changing your site colors soon.
Very funny, although I am suprised that you seemed to expect a degree of logical thought shown by Christians in canonising their saints.
Also you may think that Buddhism seems a peaceful religion, but i’m sure there has been more than one ‘road rage’ incident caused by the combustion of an occasional buddhist monk on the roadside.
I’m going out on a limb here and saying that this is the post that eventually gets Leif fired from LP. Any takers? I need some long odds.
I think maureen has a good point… watch your back Leif: the vatican offs people for this type of stuff. Just look at the new pope– if I had to find a hitman, I’d ask somebody who looks like that guy!
as i did the mistake of reading this while at work, i am going to be branded a ‘water-spitting’ lunatic who laughs at herself.
now, if only i had the courage to write the same about the Hindu Gods of India!!!
please, do not call that fellow that sits in the pope’s chair a pope. He is a member of hitler’s youth and he will always be that for me. I usually live 130 km from Rome, when i am not commuting between Romania and the Moldova Republic ( yes, Lief, I am Elfin’s mother), and nothing has happened to me yet, in spite of my atheism, my continual complaints about the interphering of the vatican into the secular affairs of the italian republic, etc. In reality what pope’s like best is to kill each other
I am sorry for my mistake. I meant popes, of course
Gemma – This is what bugs me about writing accounts of the distant past… There ARE citations saying Francis was at the Crusades, but whether they’re accurate, who knows? And for the record, I’ve been to Hungry twice and never met an ‘Attila’. Otherwise that gap of knowledge might have closed long ago. And St Catherine had kids? Did you mean Rita? Catherine did it (didn’t do it), with Christ, right? When she was seven, right? Ew. And from what I understand, the current pope isn’t exactly winning Italian hearts, so atheist away! He was really a member of Hitler’s Youth? Like a card carrying member or did he just serve coffee at meetings? Mmm, coffee.
Elfin – Your mom is a fireball. Let’s all road trip to Iasi together sometime. And I see you finally located some painkillers. I bet I’m hilarious when read on painkillers. Mail some here. My address is: Guy That Sits in Front of His Laptop for 12 Hours a Day, Kitchen Table, Torricella, Umbria, Italy. Trust me, it’ll get to me. Everyone knows the local freaks.
Sue – Somewhat bad news, my Romania and Moldova book should be out any time now, but the Transylvania chapter was written by the imminent Robert Reid, who also wrote the Bucharest chapter. I wrote everything else. You’ll just have to amuse yourself reading my chapters even though you’re not visiting those places, which you should have plenty of time to do while you’re on the train.
Maureen – ix-nay on the ookie-kay ut-nay – people are gonna start thinking we’re sleeping together. My little vanilla macaroon…
James – Well, I’m not gonna bad mouth any other group’s election process after the last two US elections. It’d be a cheap shot coming from me.
Lucas – Naw, LP won’t dump me for this. They love this kind of thing, except toned down a smidge. And until both the South Park guys end up dead in a ravine under mysterious circumstances, I don’t think I need to worry about church reprisal.
Chimera – Zinging Hindu gods might be a bad idea. Did you see how fast they turned on Richard Gere after he kissed whatshername on the cheek? In less than 24 hours he was charged with like three felonies and burned in effigy! I ain’t an idiot. I know what lines not to cross…
It’s a well known fact that ratzinger was a member of Hitler’s youth, he could have served coffee but it would have been bellic german coffee . Unfortunately he was only 16 and din’t get time to do much(which got him off the hook with the powers that be) and the war was over so he set to work finding mightier people to serve coffee too…
Leif,
How disappointing, I was hoping to read your “take” on Brasov. I’ll let you know how the ride to Brasov turns out. I hope that your book will be a “page turner.” I’m hoping to take an excursion up to Maramures (Sighetu), did you do a write-up on Maramures, personally?
Thanks,
Sue
vanilla stickysugarcookie indeed. spicy saluations shall cease oh cranky one, but I bet you’ll rue the day when sweet nothings are no longer coming your way (especially after 12 hrs in the bad chair). On the religion issue, I heard some rumblings on the web that the Christian Network had started an email prayer group for you, seeking intervention from none other than St. Catherine herself. If true, new blogging fans should be posting soon. That will be fun.
bytheby, how’s the Tuscany chapter coming along? Started on the Siena cathedral yet?
ur reply is so funny that i’m gonna quote it verbatim on my blog, hope u dont mind… :)
Elfin – wow, one misses out on so much drama when one is in northern Myanmar, where I was when they elected the new pope. Thanks for the Guardian link (which I’m not posting here because I don’t want this to get ugly). Now the guy who wrote THAT story should be the one looking behind his back, waiting to be konked on the head by a scepter death blow.
Sue – Yes, Maramures is mine, all mine! It’s a good chapter, but I didn’t break any serious ground there. If you want a real reading treat, read the Moldavia and Moldova chapters. The Moldavia chapter is the one where I got into trouble, being 1,200-some words over word-count. I added a lot of stuff. Irreverent, cheeky goodness!
Maureen – My little rainbow popsicle schmoopie… You’re right, spicy salutations are kind of fun! And the bad chair is not my friend these days. It’s really hurting my boney tushie. However, by sacrificing my ass, social life, bare minimum exposure to the sun and hygiene, I’m making admirable progress on the book and that’s good kudos. Well, someone who doesn’t have to hang out with me will think so. The Siena cathedral coverage has been painstakingly rewritten and expanded. I’ve moved on to less taxing content like restaurants that I loved, except I spend the whole day hungry, thinking of those meals…
Chimera – You’re free to quote anything you want. That’s a little thing we struggling, homeless, freelance travel writers call ‘good press’ and we almost never scoff at that. Furthermore, I’m suddenly very interested in my Indian demographic. I learned yesterday that I have a growing fan-base in Bangalore. *Bangalore*, sister. People in Bangalore are reading my blog and LIKING it! Who would’ve thought? By the way, please go back to Minneapolis in September, it’s an entirely different, wonderful, non-dangerously cold place. Swear to Buddha.
Saint Francis started for the Crusade(one of them) in 1204, but he got sick near Spoleto. While he was recovering a voice in the night told him, do you prefer to serve the master or the servant? He answered, the master, of course. The voice then said, so why are you following the servant? At that, he went back home, gave everything he had to the poor,etc. Apart from anything you or anybody want to believe of him, he was a great poet and the founder of the modern italian language. For the other saints, i heard so many gruesome stories when I was little, that I might be confusing one with another. All a bunch of cookies, anyway. I must compliment you on your observations about my countrymen’s driving habits. I drove with one of my brothers one day and, at the end, I swore never to ride with him, as long as he lived (and I did not think it would be very long). But he is still around and kicking, and he has not killed anybody yet. Then, when I cross the street in my little town ( which is a bit like the ones you describe, ups and downs, it was necessary, you know, to build them that way, to keep off the barbarians) I always run, even if I am on a zebra crossing, because nothing seems to excite an italian more than to run down a pedestrian(why don’t they buy themselves cars, anyway?). The posters are a bit of a provocations, I must admit, but after centuries of fighting each other, as well as foreign troops, the italians positively dislike anybody that does not come from their own town. It is only abroad that we declare a truce and are all paisa’. As for Siena and Florence, their rivalry is still a myth all over italy: one time a romanian told an italian boy that she loved Florence and the boy stormed out of the room in a rage: he was from Siena and he very much wanted to make the Romanian girl understand that there was nothing, nothing in common between Siena and that aberration called Florence. Such is my country, may she always be right, but mostly she is wrong.
In my youth I corresponded with a hungarian boy called attila, who assured me that the name was quite popular and the man very much loved by the hungarians. And why not? He only destroyed half of italy, not Hungary (that did not exist yet, anyway). A bit like the romanians liking Vlad Tepes the impaler (the model for Dracula), because he only impaled turks. You might not believe this, but for a few months I gave lessons of italian to some officers in Bucharest. The headquarter of this regiment was called Vlad Tepes.
By the way Leif, hate to break it about Buddhist non-wars (is that a term? It is now): but the war in Sri Lanka, as well as the invasion by China of Tibet do kind of count.
Gemma – You’re full of all kinds of interesting information! What? No inner-city education? Oh right, you studied in Europe. Lucky. And yes, Francis is starting to grow on me. I imagine I’d be the same way if I had a trust fund and not much direction and I liked to have a big night out once in a while. He’s a saint that you can share a beer with. That’s more than you can say about that stick in the mud Catherine.
Amiel – but are those wars/invasion BECAUSE of Buddhism? I’m asking. I really don’t know. Did China invade Tibet in the name of Buddhism or because they’re dickheads? Ditto Sri Lanka?
Man, I’m learning more this week just from working and blogging than I learned in my senior year of high school.
Wait.. I thought china invaded tibet right after the peaceful ways of the buddhists sparked a spiritual transformation in brad pitt?
Leif: answers to those questions are kind of the same as asking Irish/Basque separatists if the IRA/ETA are terrorists. It all depends on your point of view. (That’s my way of avoiding answering your question).
Leif Even Pettersen! You ROCK my world! (That will warm your heart even though I’m a dark-haired male, instead of a blonde with large boobs, which is of course everyone’s favorite kind of fan. Am I wrong? :))
Everyone else: I spent 20 years in Leif’s Lonely Planet fief, the Moldavia&Moldova awkward twins. Well, mostly in Moldavia. (Guess which country I hail from.) I’ll buy his book just for the sheer pleasure of reading it. (And screaming at him if he missed my favorite restaurant or that dingy half-truck-cum-sewer-trench-contraption that serves as a rock venue for my neighborhood.)
I’ll be back in Iasi for two weeks this July, Leif. Then I’m off to Paris for a month. Then I’m off to South-East Asia. (I got into a grad school, agonized over missing a nearly full scholarship, then finally told them to bugger off.) OK, I didn’t tell them, but for two weeks I’ve been preparing that e-mail.
Oh my God! Am I turning into… YOU?
Romeo the Romanian Minnesotan! Man, sounds like you’ve been busy. I don’t have any signed contracts yet, but our paths may cross on two continents in the next few months. Keep in touch. And if you continue to live my life in reverse I may have to start collecting royalties.
Talk about that country: can you believe we’re making good movies now?
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/28/movies/28prix.html
Yeah, Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun. I sorta categorized both as ruthless leaders and get them confused all the time too. Genghis Khan was from Mongolia. I actually had no idea where Attila the Hun was from, although I guess I should have had some, since I did think the Huns were in Europe.
leif,
you make learning fun. excellent post. i especially loved your spelling of ‘frea-kay.’
You are boring beyond belief. Your CA-RAZY writing is the defintions of boredom. Your calculated, trite “surprise” makes me tired. You are CA-RAZY my friend! Keep up the great work! Lonely Planet ROCKS because of writers like you. You make it exactly what it is – and on that point, I’m completely serious, of course.