Gift horse annihilates my travel plans

My intended September/October travel plans have taken a small twist. 

Instead of traveling four countries in Southeast Europe by train, Lonely Planet is flying me to San Francisco for an author workshop!  Who else didn’t see that coming?

Moreover, since I’ll be right there, I’m going to do a three week stopover in Minneapolis after the workshop so that my mother can count my digits and I can replace my asthmatic Dell notebook with something that won’t audibly whimper when I open Adobe Acrobat Professional.

So!  Party in Minneapolis!  Woo hoo!  My lord, I cannot wait!  Real hamburgers!  Mexican food!  Thai food!  Indian food!  Omelets the size and weight of a gold brick!  And, sweet jesus, FREE REFILLS!!!  God bless America!!!

Even more exquisite is that September is the best weather month in Minneapolis, my favorite time of year.  I couldn’t have planned this better if I tried.  Indeed, there’s a lot of preparation to be done, not the least of which will be eating five meals a day for the next six weeks to get my stomach appropriately stretched out.

Those of you squirming with what I hope is agonizing jealousy may be asking yourselves, ‘why the hell is LP flying a Europe-based, first-time author all the way to San Fran, before editors have even laid eyes on the bulk of his first assignment??’  Well, I have no bloody clue.  In fact, if I hadn’t already proven to my satisfaction that this wasn’t an elaborate practical joke, I wouldn’t believe it either.  However, I have several theories ranging from there being some mix-up with where I was originating travel (I’m told there’s a Paris, Missouri) to me being shipped in to be some executive’s high-priced bitch for the weekend – it’s been known to happen in startlingly attractive, travel writer circles.

Whatever, I’m game and ready to do my part.  I’m already putting together a crowd-pleasing routine where I juggle Shoestring guides in one hand and edit copy with the other.  I’ve also volunteered to spearhead the ‘Touch My Machete Scar’ breakout session.  I’ll be the belle of the ball if that scene-stealing Tony Wheeler doesn’t show up.

Well, enough if this nonsense.  It would probably be bad form to swagger into this workshop without having turned in my last manuscript on time, so I better get back at it.