Freelance travel writer bailout package (the proposal)

Dear gumment,

With the dust cloud of the economic crash finally settling, it’s time now to turn our attention to those industries that are suffering delayed consequences from this totally avoidable, clusterf*ck that your asshat predecessors let happen. I’m speaking, of course, of the unsung, selfless, heroic work done by our nation’s freelance travel writers.

The nature of our industry’s delayed payments for duties performed means that we are just now starting to feel the brunt of the crash. Payments that should be arriving for theoretical services rendered in the winter of 2008/2009 and onward are of course simply not going to come. Trickledown from the pervasive death and downsizing of publishing in the past 12 months is starting to affect our troops. Economic indicators point toward a catastrophic decimation of our ranks, leading to trends like outsourcing to talentless hacks, cliché aficionados and alliteration junkies.

Imagine untold thousands of freelance travel writers sitting at home, clad only in underwear and a lazily tied robe emblazoned with the ‘Hyatt Regency’ logo. Eating green beans and peaches right out of the can. Spending 20 minutes on Twitter for every five minutes of writing. Delirious from the effort of having to come up with the 12th synonym for the word “tasty” that day. For the love of Buddha, how can you allow something this pure and beautiful to slide into extinction?

We would like to formally request a government bailout for freelance travel writers to the tune of 50 million dollars. No wait, 100 mill (I forgot about our bonuses). Not only will this infusion of critical funds keep our indispensable ranks alive and safe, but our renewed spending power will help invigorate other ailing industries like airlines, cool gadgets, frozen pizza, $6-or-less wine, cargo shorts, DVD rentals, and pay-per-view Japanese schoolgirl tickle fetish videos.

Thank you for your help in averting this crisis in freelance travel writing. As always, feel free to email any of us directly with copious, lengthy, yet non-specific questions and unsubtle requests for ‘hook-ups’ the next time your families go to Hawaii.

The Freelance Travel Writers of America