Killing Batteries

Welcome to the fourth installment of the “Worst travel writing jobs” series.
This doozy is so doozicable that I could write 500 words on the absurdity of the title alone, but it gets better.

Write 3000 unique articles on Travel, Entertainment, Beauty and Shopping topics

Only 3000? Because I was just thinking the other day that there aren’t nearly enough articles about travel, entertainment, beauty and shopping on the internet. And is it just me or could the divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes benefit from a little delving?

Job Description
Write 3000 unique articles on Travel, Entertainment, Beauty and Shopping topics (IT, PORT, DUTCH LANGUAGES).

Just to clarify, you want 3000 articles on a wide variety of topics in three languages? Off the top of my head, I’d say this job will take a team of six highly skilled polyglots about 6.5 months to complete, assuming no one takes vacation or gets sick or sneaks off for a giant poo.

Each article must be different, between 250 and 3300 words each. No repetition in articles, no spinning, scraping or similar.

But ‘scrinning’ is cool, right? How about ‘spaping’?

All articles must be written in English. Each article must pass Copyscape Premium, be free of grammar and spelling errors. Example topics include the following, but more will be added along the fields mentioned.

Grammar and spelling errors be deal breakers, but incoherence along the fields mentioned is donkey?

Please PM a sample article on one of the above topics otherwise your bid will not be considered. Any articles submitted will have its copyright pass to me upon lodging your bid.

You’re claiming copyright of the sample article I submit on the outside chance you bestow this monster job on me?

OK, fine. Here’s my original, unique sample article that you now own:

“Experts say shopping for beauty while traveling is good entertainment. Studies have shown that entertaining shopping is good for beauty and travel, but too much entertaining beauty is travel shopping.”

Do I get the gig?

Planned Start July 16 2012
Delivery Date Aug. 31 2012

Forty-six days to write 3000 articles? That’s just over 65 articles per day. Good thing I have Mr. Spock, Commander Data and Rain Man chained to desks in my basement, or this job might seem unreasonable. Still, turnaround is a bit tight. I’ll feed them energy drinks every hour for luck.

Payment will be $1 per article – so $3000 for 3000 articles. Please only bid if you accept this pay rate.

OK, forget the energy drinks. I’ll just force feed them sugar water and expired peanuts.

Payment will be made for articles upon completion.

So, essentially you want 3000 articles written on spec? No one in the history of the written word has ever accepted those terms, but OK.

Also we need same amount of articles to be produced in the following languages

- Italian
- Dutch
- Portugues (Brazil)

Good call on getting those 3000 articles written in Dutch. That will like, what?, literally double the number of articles written in Dutch on the internet? Ka-ching!