Worst travel writing jobs 001: “esteemed travel magazine”

As part of this blog’s ongoing deliciously directionless theme, I have decided to start a new series called “Worst travel writing jobs.”

Also, “Deliciously Directionless” would be an outstanding foodie travel blog name. You’re welcome.

This series stems from my ongoing job hunt. As many of you know, I have been casually job hunting for many months, and very seriously job hunting for the past few weeks. If, at this moment, you’re thinking “Hey, Leif would be perfect for that Chief Awesomeness Officer position we’ve been trying to fill,” then you should contact me immediately. I am not kidding.

In the meantime, I’m spending a lot of time trolling job boards and I am continually amazed at some of the postings aimed at travel writers. By ‘amazed’, I mean ‘nauseated’. The audacity, the gall, the dangerously misplaced sense of authority. As if the mere utterance of the words ‘travel writer’ will instantly hypnotize aspiring writers into working like rented mules for nearly nothing. I’m both astonished and sickened by these job postings on a daily basis. So, I’ve decided to work through these emotions by mercilessly mocking them, with all identifying information removed to protect the stupid, naturally. So here we go.

5 travel Related Articles – 700 words each – $15 each

Two cents a word? From an anonymous publisher? Wow! My travel writing career is going to soar like the voice of a baseball umpire after a fastball to the produce section.

Job Description
Hello, I need 5 travel related articles of 700 words each delivered asap. Each article needs to be 100% unique, informative and pays $15 each.

Hello, I need a million dollars delivered asap. And a burrito. These items must be delivered by Kate Upton, wearing a leopard-print catsuit, riding a miniature unicycle. Anything less will be unacceptable. Go.

Each article will be paid for after it is completed, meaning no upfront bids will be entertained. The topics are simple so I expect some creativity in the content as these are for a esteemed travel magazine.

Hold on, you want me to write for $0.02 a word ON SPEC? Well why didn’t you say so? That’s WAY more reasonable! And may I say, with such high editorial standards and generous pay, your “esteemed travel magazine” should be sold with washcloths, so readers can be ready to catch all the orgasm.

Thanks

No, thank YOU! And I genuinely wish you a speedy recovery from the head injury you sustained just before writing this.