Let’s try a new trend in travel media: DON’T disclose details about your drug habit – Just try. For me.

For f*cks sake. What is it lately with idiots in travel media happily volunteering details about their enthusiastic drug use?

First the most short-sighted travel writer in the history of the world – since the guy that moblogged the Crusades – regaled us with how he used/traded/sold drugs during his incredibly, remarkably voluminous down time while doing guidebook road research in Brazil. Now Richard Quest, host of “CNN Business Traveler,” a show I’ve deeply enjoyed, helpfully divulged to police this weekend that he was packing a baggie of meth when he was picked up for loitering in Central Park after closing. Why God, why????

One has to assume that Richard was in an altered state at the time, but for the record, I’d like to introduce him – and any other visiting media from the U.K. – to this wacky concept that we in the U.S. call an “evidence drop.”

Essentially, when you’re holding gear and doom is imminent, you simply hide/chuck/flush or otherwise dispose of your stash before the fuzz tackles you. Admittedly, this is easier said than done in some circumstances, say while you’re tweaking in a car traveling at 110MPH in broad daylight while being pursued by six police cruisers and a helicopter. Inevitably someone will notice the incriminating package being tossed out the window and spinning off into the ditch. If not that, then most definitely the pair of Glocks that follow it. But, people honestly, when you’re in a darkened park, late at night, between the moment when the cruiser spotlight hits you and the moment that you’re in handcuffs, there’s plentiful opportunity to fling drugs, weapons, your prize-winning cock fighters or just about anything into the bushes. Indeed, if you plan to make a habit of cruising major metropolitan areas with felonious material, this is exactly the type of maneuver that it’d behoove you practice once in a while.

Oddly, masochistically, even after all the bad press of the past week, I’m still inexplicably desirous of a book deal and/or TV show hosting gig. But now I see I’ve been going about it all wrong. I’ve been trying to portray myself as a stable, hilarious and devilishly attractive candidate, which I see now is for losers and failures. So to demonstrate to everyone that I have limitless untapped range, please refer to the following photos, previously kept quiet, that I’m releasing now as it’s plainly clear that material like this is key to my instant and wild success.



Incidentally, I never went to Romania. And I researched Tuscany from the kitchen table of a brothel on the outskirts of Livorno. And I was on opium the whole time that I got for free in exchange for a positive review.

Please send all offers of cash and fame to my agent. Thank you.

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