Some of you may remember that I was flown rock star style from Rome to Washington DC last June with only four days notice – rock stars never get more than four days notice for anything – to audition for a travel TV show hosting job that I ultimately failed to get due to various extenuating circumstances that had nothing to do with my stratospheric talent and unmistakable on-camera sexual magnetism.
Recently, I’ve once again been auditioning for a few travel TV show hosting gigs – once invited, once in answer to a controlled cattle call. I was passed over for not being enough of a masochistic, death-defying bruiser in one case and the jury is still out on the other (deal-sweetening fruit basket going out today).
It’s taken me a while to see the pattern emerging, but it’s finally dawned on me that my destiny is to host a travel TV show (or be a judge on Iron Chef, because yummy!). This conclusion is based mostly on the fact that I’m being invited to try out for TV hosting jobs, while even a dump truck of money can’t get publishers to print my memoir project, which has been unanimously judged as being the funniest book in the history of the universe. Apparently there’s some kind of hang-up about the book not having “a clean conclusion”. Sigh. The conclusion is that you laughed your ass off for five hours, jackhole!
Back to the task at hand. It’s understandably difficult to judge a guy’s on-camera potential, even if he’s flooded the internet with fetching photos of himself and can transform a community college lecture on squash cultivation into a laugh-riot Broadway script. So, in the interest of upping my TV show hosting profile, I’ve decided to start video blogging, A.K.A. ‘vblogging’.
The first installment is an audition clip I used in December, a spoof guide to making omelets. Please do not rip my camera framing skills, lighting deficiencies and the lazy use of in-camera sound. I’m just trying to give people an idea of why I’m great for TV, not win an Academy Award for Short Film (Omelet-Making).
So, with no further ado, I present to you “the Lonely Planet Guide to Making Omelets”: